And She Paints

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I got a lot of work done today & it felt good.  I turn my phones on and returned calls & it felt good.  I had a visit from SEH (Someone Else’s Husband with whom I have been having an affair for over a decade) DID NOT have sex with him & it felt good.  I even painted which I haven’t done in a while & it felt good.  I also did drugs today & yes it felt good.

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What a Waste

AWAKE!  Yesterday was a totally waste of life.  Called it a night early because sleep has become my only means of escape.  Only to have the hardwired fire alarm go off at 2:45 a.m. – seriously!  And it blasted for a good 15 minutes before the fire department came and shut it off. 

AWAKE!   I wonder if I will turn my phones on today and listen to my messages.  I wonder if anyone really cares.  I do have work to do but no motivation to do it. 

AWAKE!  I don’t feel good.  I wonder if it is the LACK of drugs I have been doing or allergies.  Probably both – fuck!  I just want to feel better. 

It’s NOT all about ME

You guessed it………….I woke up.  Wednesday is the only day of the week I have to get up to an alarm.  Wednesday is the only day I have to think of someone else other than me.   Wednesday is the only day that really is a crap shoot – It will either be a good day or a bad day and it is not up to me.

I believe………………

  • That the majority of the time a man’s car is an extension of his penis.
  • You become a police officer for one of two reasons.  You either have a sincere want to help people or you were picked on when you were a kid and now you are going to get revenge.  I believe the majority fall into the latter category.
  • In living simply.
  • Recycling.
  • I spend way too much money on drugs.
  • If there wasn’t addictions to drugs and alcohol that our nation’s jails and prisons would be next to empty.  That 95% (maybe even higher) of the crimes are committed by people who are either under the influence or they are looking for money to purchase drugs or alcohol.
  • In blending in.
  • My body is slowly failing me and I wish it would hurry up.
  • Some people feel so righteous about something that they totally close their minds to the thought there might be another way to do something.
  • That if my house is an order than my life will be in order and that can’t be further from the truth.

The Big Chill

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Adderall

Vicoden

Percocet

Oxycontin

Klonopin

Ambien

The vicious cycle continues……………

The bank account continues to shrink…………..

My body continues to fail me but not fast enough……..

I continue to ignore the telephone………………

The Big Chill plays on the television………..

When will it end?

Waiting for the Drugs to kick in

 

Woke up again today – Damn it.  It really is amazing – the amount of drugs I digest in a day and I still continue to wake up every fuckin morning.  Every Fuckin Morning……………………..grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I believe……………..

  • A person should have the right to take their own life.
  • That I have no idea what true love really is.
  • I am having a hard time right now.