CHURCH OF ONE

I often refer to myself as a recovering Catholic – as in a recovering alcoholic.  It is meant to be sarcastic and funny.  Though some people do not look at it that way.

I was raised Catholic.   As I grew older and could “think for myself” so to speak I realized that I did not believe in a lot of what the Catholic religion was teaching.  I know many a person who are the meanest, cruelest, unscrupulous individuals on the planet but they believe that if they go to church on Sundays – confess their “sins” and “God” will forgive them so they can go out and do it all over again the next week and repeat the process.

I think NOT.

Actually I have a hard time believing in any one form of “organized religion.”   But let me make this clear – I will not judge or knock someone for their religious beliefs.  It’s just not for me – especially in the case of the scenario I described above.   And I do have a problem with people who are so righteous about their beliefs that their minds have narrowed and they just flat-out refuse to acknowledge others beliefs – extremist – is that what they are called?

I will tell you what I do believe in.

  • I believe there is an afterlife.
  • I believe you should treat people the way you would like to be treated.
  • I believe in gratitude.
  • I believe in respect, respecting others and respecting this earth.
  • I believe in spirits.  Some may call them ghost and yes I have seen spirits.
  • I believe that things happen for a reason.  Absolutely EVERYTHING happens for a reason and sometimes we may never know that reason.
  • I believe in Karma.  What goes around comes around.  It may not happen right away or in this lifetime but it will.  Karma’s a bitch.
  • I believe that two wrongs don’t make a right.
  • I believe in same-sex marriage and equal rights.
  • I believe it is a women’s right to choice.
  • I believe in second chances – sometimes third chances and so on.
  • I believe the moon, the sun, the stars, the universe really do affect people, their moods, their mindsets.
  • I believe in the power of human touch.  I believe a hug can go a long way.
  • I believe you don’t have to go to church to be a good person.
  • I believe in miracles.

It’s like I have my own little “religion” – my own “church of one.” and it can get pretty lonely in this church.

Please don’t get me wrong – I am far from perfect – no one is perfect.  I make mistakes – big mistakes – for crying out loud I have been having an affair with SEH for over 12 years and if I believed in that Catholic upbringing of mine I would be headed straight to HELL.

I sometimes wonder if I would be in a better place in my life – in a better frame of mind – if I was part of a religious group.  I often wonder if I wouldn’t be so depressed or so depended on drugs.  I have tried AA and NA and I know they work for many people but my problem was with the way they brought “God” into it.  I think about the times I have been in the hospital for  the fuckin’ cancer and they would ask about my religion. “Church of one” wasn’t on the list.  I will have no “death-bed” confessions.  A “DOR” will be hanging above my bed – but they don’t actually hang the “DOR”  last I checked it was a “red dot” or something like that.

I really just try to be the best person I can be.  I believe I am a kind person.  In a world full of “takers” I am a giving person by nature.  I believe people often mistake my kindness as a weakness and sometimes I let them.   AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM GOING WITH THIS POST – maybe deep inside I am worried about the afterlife and where I will be spending it.  Though outwardly I would think not and say not but something prompted me to write this and I don’t know what it is.

On an entirely different note I would like to thank someone.  You may not know her.  I have never met her in person and actually just started reading her blog shortly after I started mine.  I started this blog because it is the beginning of the end of my life.  I have thought about the end and just how difficult & painful it might be.  I have thought about suicide – and wonder if as the time gets closer if this is an option.  I believe I keyed in the search word “suicide” and it brought me to this wonderful human being.  This person who has experienced such a personal & difficult tragedy in their life yet they have made the decision to share it with the world.  It’s important to me that she know she is making a difference.  She has recently reached out to me in a personal level and I just might take her up on that offer.  Rhonda and her blog, My Bright Shining Star, I just want to thank you for being a “giving” person, a kind person – thank you for sharing your experience – thank you for reaching out – thank you for being you.

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Flashback 1

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Maine coast

Flashback:  Hiking as best I could on a cold November weekend on one of the most beautiful sections of the Atlantic’s coast.  I had received my “official diagnosis” a couple of weeks earlier and was scheduled for surgery two days before Thanksgiving.  At the time I was taking 30 milligrams of Percocet every 2 hours – an amount most people wouldn’t be able to talk after taking and I was hiking to the best of my ability.  At the time I wasn’t afraid of the future because I honestly didn’t know what the future would hold.  I just wanted to soak in the beauty of my surroundings.  I wanted to feel the salt water spray on my face – I wanted to watch the sunrise – I wanted to look at the stars – I wanted to taste the clams and lobster.  At night I remember not sleeping in the bedroom but on the couch that faced the ocean and leaving the sliding glass doors open so I could hear the waves hitting the shoreline and smell the ocean.

Fast forward to today:  Sitting on my couch, listening to a jack hammer outside, waiting for the 15 milligrams of Oxycontin & 20 milligrams of Adderall to kick in so I can put on the “public me” and venture out into the City for yet another test.   Lately, my life has become one big test – a test of my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual strength.  I am grateful I have slept well the past two nights after having not slept for those two days…….I don’t know how people with insomnia survive.  I am not afraid of the future for I honestly don’t know what my future holds.  I wish I could taste the clams or lobster but it seems like absolutely everything I put in my mouth taste like shit…………….absolutely everything.  Sometimes it is just so hard to handle myself with dignity and grace when all I would like to do is scream.

It Is What It Is

9-24-13 6:30 A.M. After not sleeping my day begin.  I experienced a lot of emotions, feelings, tests both phsyical & mental and pain.  Got home around midnight, tossed, turned, cried, tossed, turned, cried and didn’t sleep a wink for the 2nd night in a row.  Today would of normally been “Alarm Clock Wednesday” but I ended up calling and through the tears and sobbing I got the words, “Sorry I can’t make it in” out of my mouth.  Hung up the phone, swallowed two sleeping pills and slept for 3 hours…………………seriously 3 fuckin hours.

The clock had not even struck noontime yet and I was running on 3 hours sleep, my body ached as well as my heart and I struggled just to make myself something to eat.  Spent a little time on the couch and managed to get another hours sleep.  I have not showered, brushed my teeth or dressed and I am still sitting on the couch.

I have not picked up one telephone call nor have I answered one email.  I have not said “It is what it is” once which was my saying of the day the day before.  I will head into my bedroom soon where I will hope a little reading will get me out of my head and the thoughts of my future and hopefully the powers that be will let me sleep this evening.  9-25-13 8:40 P.M.

I Just Want To Sleep

It is not quite 3:00 A.M. and I am wide awake.  Today is a big day for me and I couldn’t sleep and you know me I love to sleep.  Sleep is my relief.  Today will tell me a lot about my future.

Either way I can not sleep and need to be out of the house by 6:30 A.M. or so.  I am curled up on the couch sipping a cup of coffee and wishing nothing more than being able to stay home and sleep.  Seriously, I just want to stay home and sleep.

 

 

Life In The Not So Fast Lane

I live in an apartment, on a busy street, in a big city.  My apartment building is old but has character.  There is no dish washer or

Beautiful spider web taken on one of my hikes.

Beautiful spider web taken on one of my hikes.

elevator but I have 10 foot high ceilings in my living room and views of the sunset that bring tears to my eyes.  I have always lived in the city – in apartments, in houses but always the city.

I am fortunate enough that I can hop in my car and drive 20 minutes either way – north, south, east or west and given the direction I chose I will end up at either the mountains, the ocean or countryside – and I love them all.  During my last move I told myself that if I had to live in the city I would bring the places I love to me.  My apartment is filled with shells, driftwood and stones so smooth from years of being turned in the ocean that I can stack them into small cairns and pine cones, rocks that sparkle with mica, a small basket filled with unusual and odd things I found during hikes to an array of what I believe to be wonderful photos of some of the most breath-taking sites I have ever seen.

Some of which I have posted here………………….you won’t find much personal information on this blog about me for I wish to remain anonymous but I believe sharing these photos will be ok.

It sits in the basket of small trinkets .....

It sits in the basket of small trinkets …..

There was a time that I couldn’t decide – couldn’t make up my mind – that if I could live anywhere I wanted where would it be.  Mountains?  Ocean?  Countryside?  Since getting cancer, being depressed and actively addicted to the drugs once meant to take the pain away I do not visit these places nearly as much as I want to – and I want to very badly.  I live vicariously through the photos I have taken in the past, searching Google for images of where I would want to be, in my dreams and by the small trinkets scattered around my apartment.  I long to go to these places and I do sometimes – in small intervals of time when I am physically and mentally capable of doing so.

I haven't kayaked once this summer.  :(

I haven’t kayaked once this summer. 😦

Lately, I have been putting a lot of thought into this – a lot of thought into where I would like to spend my last days.  I think I have decided on the mountains.  Maybe a little, simple A-frame house in the mountains close to or on a lake.  It doesn’t have to be big or extravagant – just enough space for me for I would want to spend as much time outdoors as I could.  I would hike my days away looking at beautiful things and searching for those small treasures to fill that little basket.  I would kayak & fish for hours and have a small garden.  And when it rained I would still hike and do those things but more than likely I would snuggle up on a comfy chair and read.  Reading takes me out of my own mind – out of my own head – and that helps.  And when it snows I would keep warm with a fire, build snow people, bake homemade breads and stews.

Maybe - someday.  This is not my photo but one from Google.

Maybe – someday. This is not my photo but one from Google.

At this time in my life I don’t know what the future holds or how much time I will have.  In the days coming I will know more and maybe I will be able to plan better but until then I am holding onto my dream.  My dream on living – not in the city – but in the mountains.

FLIPPIN THE MEDIA OFF

I HATE THE MEDIA!  It is the media who decides what is a story and what isn’t a story.  It is the media who decides for us what story will be told and what story will not be told.  And mind you – the media does not always get those stories right – misleading facts – false information – inaccurate reporting.

I HATE THE MEDIA – including television news shows, newspapers and magazines.  The media can make you or break you.  I believe reporters don’t have feelings.  They are dead inside.  They do not have emotions.  They will take the littlest bit of information and blow it all out of proportion.  The media has ruined people’s lives.

I HATE THE MEDIA – and the media knows they are a powerful force.  And they use that powerful force to cause unneeded controversy.  They write about or talk about what will get ratings and what will sell magazines or newspapers – not necessarily the truth – irregardless of who they hurt – who’s lives they have to destroy.

Don’t get me wrong I believe in the freedom of speech, freedom of the press and our first amendment.  But I also believe in being responsible, telling the truth and not intentional hurting someone.  I have witnessed first hand just how powerful the media can be – how it can seriously affect ones life.

And what about the people (we the people) who buy into this.  People who believe that just because they read it in the paper that it is true.  People who believe that because they heard it on the nightly news then it is true.  Are we just as bad?  I think it is ignorance for the most part.

I have been affected by the media more than I care to mention.

I have been extorted by the media – of course they don’t look at it as extortion.

I have been mislead, misquoted and mistreated by the media.

So to the media I say FUCK YOU!

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