It is raining and every once in a while the thunder makes me jump. It is so dark in my apartment it seems like it could be evening instead of morning. I slept 10 hours last night and didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t have to – no responsibilities today – but I did. I can tell my body is starting to fail me and though this is what I want it does scare me a little. It’s weird because I have this “time frame” in my head and now is not the time but maybe this is how it will start. As much as I adore my solitude I am starting to get lonely.
I think of SEH and how is at his vacation home with his family on this holiday weekend as he is every weekend and after over a decade I should be use to it and I have no idea why it is bothering me. I think back to a time – a couple years ago – when I was in the hospital and my future was unknown at the time. Having major surgery two day before Thanksgiving – spending a week recovering in the hospital – down to skin and bones – worrying about my late sister at the time who was in another hospital fighting her own battle. I think about the times I woke up from my IV drug induced sleep to see SEH sitting there – a worried look on his face. Was I dreaming it? Was he really there? And he had been – more than once. And I wonder how he managed these visits – what lie he told his wife. For certainly he wasn’t telling her, “I’m going to visit my mistress who could be on her death bed.” and if he could get away then why can’t he get away now. Why is this bothering me so much?
Every morning I take a fist full of vitamins and numerous prescription drugs and today I took some that weren’t prescribed. Like “HollowRoseHeart” says “I will try again tomorrow.” Or maybe I won’t. I honestly don’t know. The tears won’t stop – and I just keep thinking how badly I can fuck up my life and make it look easy.
I can not turn back time as much as I wish I could sometimes. So today – right now – I am going to light some candles, take a shower, get my sorry ass dressed, pick up my apartment and smoke lots of cigarettes.