My anxiety is high today. I feel the defense mechanisms kicking in. I wish I had better coping skills. I wish I could express myself better. I wish I had someone to take care of me. For some reason it has always been important to show people I am strong – that I can do anything and don’t need anyone. I wish I could trust people.
I remember when I was being discharged from the hospital and I needed someone to take me home. The hospital wasn’t going to let me hop in a cab by myself even though I was trying hard to convince them otherwise. I remember the look of pity of their faces when I told them I didn’t have anyone. I remember scanning through my cell phone looking for options. And how very fuckin sad it was when I had to call someone with whom I hadn’t spoken to in some time and ask them if they could do me the favor of driving me home. And I remember this person doing it – along with taking me to have my prescriptions filled, walking me up the stairs, getting me into bed, the awkward silence between us – me wishing it would just end.
I wish I wasn’t so messed up. I wish I had faith. I wish I was stronger. I wish………………………………………………….