I Wish

ImageMy anxiety is high today.  I feel the defense mechanisms kicking in.  I wish I had better coping skills.  I wish I could express myself better.  I wish I had someone to take care of me.  For some reason it has always been important to show people I am strong – that I can do anything and don’t need anyone.   I wish I could trust people.

I remember when I was being discharged from the hospital and I needed someone to take me home.  The hospital wasn’t going to let me hop in a cab by myself even though I was trying hard to convince them otherwise.  I remember the look of pity of their faces when I told them I didn’t have anyone.   I remember scanning through my cell phone looking for options.  And how very fuckin sad it was when I had to call someone with whom I hadn’t spoken to in some time and ask them if they could do me the favor of driving me home.  And I remember this person doing it – along with taking me to have my prescriptions filled, walking me up the stairs, getting me into bed, the awkward silence between us – me wishing it would just end.

I wish I wasn’t so messed up.  I wish I had faith.  I wish I was stronger.  I wish………………………………………………….

One thought on “I Wish

  1. I also felt I needed someone to take away these anxiety and etc but I thought it’s hard to trust people, and it’s especially hard to trust people to take care of you because even though they promised not to hurt you, accidentally or not, they will. So I thought, why not be the person i’m looking for in every other person? Be better for yourself and everything else will eventually fall into place. Sorry for the long comment, hehe 🙂

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