I am my own worst enemy. I beat myself up on a daily basis. I am always saying things like, “Damn Hot Mess you should have known that!”, “For crying out loud Hot Mess how can you be so stupid!” and “Shit Hot Mess what is wrong with you?”
It is always my fault – always. Doesn’t matter what it is – it is my fault. Because I should have known better- I should have seen it coming. Someone could mug me – run off with my pocketbook and it would be my fault. I should have been more aware – I should have been paying attention.
It’s exhausting beating myself up – almost as exhausting as putting on the “public me.” Which by the way I have to do soon, very soon, like I should be getting ready now but I am still sitting on my couch in my pjs, wallowing in my self-pity and feeling so much anxiety I want to puke. My mind is racing a million miles a minute trying to come up with an excuse not to put on the “public me” – not to do what I am suppose to do.
The rest of today will be brutal. I will see SEH & his wife and I will as I have for the past 12 plus years smile, be polite and not show the least bit of emotion. I have no “illegal drugs” to take and I can’t drink while being the “public me.” Someone just shoot me now please – forget that – I am sure I will be beating myself up so much that by the end of the night I will be damn close to dead.