Beating Myself Up

All day I have been trying to work on something that is very important – VERY IMPORTANT.   In addition to it being very important it is due this coming Monday.  I have known about this and its due date for some time now.   I just can not seem to wrap my mind around it – to complete the tasks necessary for it to be finalized.  This isn’t something I can not do – it needs to be done – but my mind will just not allow me to do it.  So, I am beating myself up about it.  Beating myself up about it terribly.

I would just like to sleep even though I slept 10 hours last night.  My inability to concentrate even after taking my A.D.D. medication is disheartening.  The thought of not being able to finish this and having to put on the “public me” tonight is causing enormous amounts of anxiety but I don’t dare take any of that medication because I believe it will only add to the tiredness.

When am I going to stop being so stubborn and ask for help?  Why do I feel I have to do everything on my own – to prove to the world I don’t need anyone!  What is it going to take?


2 thoughts on “Beating Myself Up

  1. I can wholeheartedly say I have been there too many times to count and then you get that *face palm* moment and realize you can’t do it alone. This verse holds nothing but truth… “Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here I am!” That is what it is going to take. ❤

  2. Hmmm, sorry to hear that. But I do know how you feel, I beat myself up regularly for the grief I cause my family. How do I manage…most days I just bury it all deep in my head and then late at night when I am all alone they surface in my dreams… Fortunately now the drugs will take most if not all of it away. Tomorrow I will try and post a picture or two of the place I work… “public me”, to steal a wonderful term…. there most troubles fade away, as inattention has dire consequences… Busy work and things that make me smile at least a little, no matter how fleeting. You will never tire of beating yourself up and you will always be better at it than anyone. I read what you write and take from it an outlook from another mind. It seems strange to me to say “like” on something like this, almost sounds like I like your grief….. NO…. But I like that you take the time to write what you are feeling…….tells me that you still have fight in you….. Good…. I hope whatever the public you does, maybe just maybe for a tiny teeny moment something out there can make you smile and keep you fighting….. I tell my beautiful wife all the time….. “as long as you cry, as long as it hurts, the pain reminds you that you are still alive and still fighting. ” I love my wife more than I fear my demons…..

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