Today it is raining – I like when it rains. Today is Friday the 13th – 13 has always been my favorite number & I never believed in superstitions. Today is my birthday – just another day. Today, years ago, I was born to a mother & father who are no longer on this earth. Today, years ago, I was born into a family that no longer exist – brothers & sisters whom have either left this earth or chosen not to be part of my life or I theirs. Today, years ago, I was brought into this world and I often wonder what my life would be like if my family was still around, if I didn’t fuck up my life the way I did, if I wasn’t so weak, if I didn’t get cancer, if I wasn’t addicted to drugs, if I was “normal.” What is “normal” anyway?
I don’t know why I chose to tell you it was the day I was born on. Maybe I do need someone to acknowledge it (shrugging my shoulders) – maybe I do need some sort of validation.
It will be a day just like any other day – nothing special – I will continue to work on that damn project that is due on Monday. I am grateful I don’t have to put on the “public me” today. That I can just stay inside, enjoy the rain, partake in some non prescribed drugs, maybe even cook (something I don’t do often) or better yet paint – though I haven’t felt the desire to pick up a paint brush that much lately. I will continue to ignore the telephone, emails, SEH, the world and anything else that might add to my stress.
Life is going to go on with or without me. I am nothing but a grain of sand on an earth covered with sand dunes. I am nothing but a piece of space debris in a universe full of stars. I am nothing but a drop of rain in the ocean we call life. I am nothing.