Flashback 1

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Maine coast

Flashback:  Hiking as best I could on a cold November weekend on one of the most beautiful sections of the Atlantic’s coast.  I had received my “official diagnosis” a couple of weeks earlier and was scheduled for surgery two days before Thanksgiving.  At the time I was taking 30 milligrams of Percocet every 2 hours – an amount most people wouldn’t be able to talk after taking and I was hiking to the best of my ability.  At the time I wasn’t afraid of the future because I honestly didn’t know what the future would hold.  I just wanted to soak in the beauty of my surroundings.  I wanted to feel the salt water spray on my face – I wanted to watch the sunrise – I wanted to look at the stars – I wanted to taste the clams and lobster.  At night I remember not sleeping in the bedroom but on the couch that faced the ocean and leaving the sliding glass doors open so I could hear the waves hitting the shoreline and smell the ocean.

Fast forward to today:  Sitting on my couch, listening to a jack hammer outside, waiting for the 15 milligrams of Oxycontin & 20 milligrams of Adderall to kick in so I can put on the “public me” and venture out into the City for yet another test.   Lately, my life has become one big test – a test of my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual strength.  I am grateful I have slept well the past two nights after having not slept for those two days…….I don’t know how people with insomnia survive.  I am not afraid of the future for I honestly don’t know what my future holds.  I wish I could taste the clams or lobster but it seems like absolutely everything I put in my mouth taste like shit…………….absolutely everything.  Sometimes it is just so hard to handle myself with dignity and grace when all I would like to do is scream.

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One thought on “Flashback 1

  1. Remember The Future Holds What It Holds…..Nothing We Can Do Will Change It….Live And One Day Maybe You Will Feel The Salt already Spray Again

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