Flashback: Hiking as best I could on a cold November weekend on one of the most beautiful sections of the Atlantic’s coast. I had received my “official diagnosis” a couple of weeks earlier and was scheduled for surgery two days before Thanksgiving. At the time I was taking 30 milligrams of Percocet every 2 hours – an amount most people wouldn’t be able to talk after taking and I was hiking to the best of my ability. At the time I wasn’t afraid of the future because I honestly didn’t know what the future would hold. I just wanted to soak in the beauty of my surroundings. I wanted to feel the salt water spray on my face – I wanted to watch the sunrise – I wanted to look at the stars – I wanted to taste the clams and lobster. At night I remember not sleeping in the bedroom but on the couch that faced the ocean and leaving the sliding glass doors open so I could hear the waves hitting the shoreline and smell the ocean.
Fast forward to today: Sitting on my couch, listening to a jack hammer outside, waiting for the 15 milligrams of Oxycontin & 20 milligrams of Adderall to kick in so I can put on the “public me” and venture out into the City for yet another test. Lately, my life has become one big test – a test of my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual strength. I am grateful I have slept well the past two nights after having not slept for those two days…….I don’t know how people with insomnia survive. I am not afraid of the future for I honestly don’t know what my future holds. I wish I could taste the clams or lobster but it seems like absolutely everything I put in my mouth taste like shit…………….absolutely everything. Sometimes it is just so hard to handle myself with dignity and grace when all I would like to do is scream.