THE MAN & THE ROCK

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One of the rocks I painted today

My Tuesday is winding down – as I type I am in my very predictable position – couch, blanket and laptop watching the sky turn the beautiful colors that it does when the sun sets.  I have poured myself a Bailey’s on the rocks and I am trying hard to get out of my own head.

Yesterday was not totally unproductive – I got my nails done, hair done and I painted for a while.  I might not feel all that great but damn I look good…..hahahaha.  And I got caught up on some email and paperwork.

Today I have been doing some more painting and a little investigative work to find something different for Buddy & I to do tomorrow.   Though to Buddy rituals and routines are key to his happiness and he would be just as happy hiking every Wednesday away – something is definitely wrong with my ankle/foot and walking has been painful so I can only imagine what hiking would feel like.  Just in case we do go for a little hike (which we probably will) I painted a few rocks ala Halloween style to take with us and strategically place for someone else to find.

I have also been trying to go through some of my things – to organize them – I have decided I would like to make some memory boxes for friends & what little family I have.  I am also making one for SEH.  I found a book I use to write poems in.  I wrote the poem below for SEH.  I gave it to him on one of his birthdays.  It’s hard to buy a birthday gift for SEH – always has been.  It can’t be something he just shows up at home with.  In the past I have gotten him some gifts he can keep in his office at work but on a recent visit to his office I noticed none of those things were there – then again I really wasn’t looking for them.  I didn’t question him on it.  I didn’t want to hear the answer.

Going through my things has made me melancholy.

When I am finished with SEH’s box I am hoping to give it to the one and only other person who knows about our affair.  And it is my hope that after I am gone she will give it to him.  I know she will do it if I ask.  I miss our friendship.  What he does with that memory box when he gets it is something he will have to decide.  He certainly won’t be able to bring it home – maybe he will keep it in his office – maybe the trunk of his car – maybe he will look at the contents and throw it away.

This is not exactly how I wanted to spend my day  – I also know this isn’t something I have to do – it is something I want to do.   I want to be able to have everything organized – everything in place – I want to be able to give the special people in my life something special to remember me by.  I also believe there is no hurry – that I am not going to die tomorrow and I should be around for some time – plenty of time.

Here is the poem I wrote SEH.  I titled it “The Man.”

To the man in the white, grey, black and blue

It really doesn’t matter

Because I can’t have you

I often wonder how life would be

If we were together – you and me

Imagine

Just think

My head on your chest

Listening as I have in the past

To the smartest man in the cast

Of characters we have become

The circus – the game

They are one in the same

And laugh

And think

And get inside my head

You’d make me feel good about myself

Confidence – Peace – Security

Are the things you bring to me

Then you would place your hands on my face

Plant a kiss on my lips and say

“I love you, Hotmess” before you go away

But that’s o.k. because you were never there

To the man in the white, grey, black and blue

Because I never can really have you

As far as I am concerned this day can not end fast enough.  Sleep is my relief.  I don’t like when I feel sorry for myself.  I don’t like getting up when it is dark out.  I don’t like a lot of things lately.  I also don’t like the word “hate.”  Hate is such a strong word.

 

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Today I am Complaining

  1. I broke down and turned the heat on.  As I type it is 42 degrees outside and my apartment thermostat was reading 54 degrees when I woke up this morning.
  2. Doc says I have a cold and just have to be careful.  The friend who I helped clean out their apartment also has cold.  I’ve been pretty miserable.   My friend feels bad – no worries.
  3. I did something to my ankle.  I don’t know what I did or when I did it.  It hurts – hurts when I walk – hurts when I put weight on it.  I am thinking maybe when I did a little hike with Buddy on Wednesday but I don’t remember.  So I am sitting here shrugging my shoulders and have my feet up.
  4. Other than for one “public me” event this week I cancelled all the rest – just too miserable.
  5. Only saw SEH at that one event – no other time.
  6. I don’t like the fact that the World Series is tied up and the Sox are playing in St. Louis – playing in St. Louis means playing by National League rules – now I think I just gave you a hint to what big city I live in.
  7. I have been neglecting my work – the “public me” work that brings me an income – I am very much behind in everything work related.  There is a part of me that just doesn’t care and there is a part of me that is freaking out.  I’m going to try to play catch up on the emails today.    Ugh.  I should have been born rich………….blahahahaha.
  8. My nails need to be done – badly!
  9. Why is it that when it becomes cool in the Fall – like today when the temperature is supposed to be in the mid 50’s we feel cold and start to bundle up BUT if this was the Spring and it hits 50 degrees we think it is awesome and start walking around without a coat?

So, there you have my complaints for the day.  I was hoping to get out and do a little hike today – I’m on a mission to find acorns for a project but as of now (9:38 a.m.) I don’t even want to get dressed but I am not ruling it out yet.  Back to the doctors next Friday unless I feel I need to go sooner.  Mornings seem to be the worse and I get better as the day goes on – then I am just so darn tired by nightfall that it’s been a solid 10 hours plus of sleeping at night for me.  My appetite is good and my attitude has been pretty good too…………..hahaha.

If the above complaints are the worse I have right now than life is going well.  I’m alive – I’m functioning (as best I can) and I am trying hard to stay the hell out of that bad neighborhood I call my mind.

This Blows………………..

I gave myself until noon when I finally got my ass off the couch and took a shower, did my hair, makeup and threw on the “winter bathrobe” as opposed to the “summer bathrobe” I have been wearing up until now.   I tried I really tried – it’s just not happening.  I made my bed and did the few dishes that were in the sink and attempted to do some work on the computer.  I tried I really tried – it’s just not happening. 

I am feeling weak, cold and oh so tired.  Bad cough, sore throat and oh so very tired. 

So, I have officially canceled the “public me” for tonight – thankfully everyone understood.

SEH called and asked if I needed anything – no thank you.   Friend called and asked if they could do anything – no, no thank you.

I am back on the couch in a new set of pjs, covered in a blanket and going the doctors tomorrow.  Ugh……….this really does blow.

Appalachian Trail

I don’t know why it is taking me so long to get my shit together this morning but I have been sitting on the couch since 8:30 a.m. and I have absolutely no motivation.  I need to get a couple important things done today before the “public me” tonight and I just feel like crap.

I worked hard physically this weekend helping a friend clean out their apartment and as I was climbing the stairs to my apartment last night I thought I was literally going to collapse right then and there.  My body was screaming for me to stop and I did but now I have to get going again and well it’s not moving.

SEH is back from his vacation and contacted me yesterday but I did not “drop what I was doing” for him.  I will see him tonight at the “public me” event and that will be hard enough.

Helping my friend has yielded me a great North Face backpack (I needed a new one something  terrible), some new canvases, a couple funky t-shirts and a sweet bracelet.  I thought I had a lot of “shit” before I moved into this apartment but I think my friend tops me.  The “Lot of shit” post is something I should write about and maybe I will in the future.

I spent a good part of the morning watching YouTube videos on hiking the Appalachian Trail and I have official put it on my “bucket list.”  The “bucket list” is no joke – I started it a long time ago – way before I first found out I had cancer.  I have done quite a few things on that “bucket list” since I started it and I have full intentions of doing some more – though – hiking the Appalachian Trial will be a long shot.

It is now 11:31 a.m. and I am giving myself until noon – then if I do not get up and get going I will probably cry.

Changes

As I type I am in my usual position – couch, blanket & laptop.  The sounds of the city float in through the open windows – no television, no radio, no music – just me – alone as usual.   It’s sunny today – a beautiful autumn day.  I am trying hard to convince myself to get dressed and go enjoy the day somehow – maybe a short hike or a stroll through the craft store but I am just having a hard time.  A seriously hard time.

The depression and sadness have really taken a hold of me and as much as I try fighting it off – pushing it away – it’s not working.  I often wonder what I did in my life that was so bad – so wrong – that the powers that be have chosen to place this sadness upon me.  I am really not a bad person.  I am not a selfish person – I am a giving person by nature.  I don’t take advantage of people.  I don’t steal.  I treat people they way I would like to be treated.  I respect people and the earth.  Because I am a firm believer in Karma I can only venture to say it must be my affair with SEH that has caused this.  What else could it be?

Changes………………………

I have noticed some changes in my body.  I have noticed I am losing a lot more hair than usual – though there is still very much a good head of hair on my head.  I have noticed I am bruising easily – they seem to be just showing up – not knowing how I got them.  I have noticed my skin tone and texture are different and a couple of moles have appeared.  I have noticed my need for sleep is increasing.  My digestive track is acting weird for lack of a better word.  And something funky is happening to my teeth – as crazy as it sounds it is almost as if they are shifting.  Because I have chosen not to fight this fuckin’ disease I guess this is all part of it.  I don’t know – go with the flow I guess.  I just wish I wasn’t so damn sad.

Changes……………………….

But the biggest change of all is not a physical one.  I have decided to stop working after the first of the year.  Well I guess I should say I have decided to stop working at the “public me” job after the first of the year.  If I am still physically capable of working I will find something else.  Maybe something that doesn’t bring me so much anxiety – something where I don’t have to worry so much – something that doesn’t put me in the limelight.  Something where my fuckin’ name won’t be in the papers every other week.

I talked with the head honcho – the big guy and for the sake of this post I will call him The Chief the end of last week.  I got emotional when I spoke with The Chief about this – I don’t think The Chief has ever seen me emotional.  I wasn’t too emotional but I did get tears in my eyes and it became difficult to speak.  He was extremely understanding and extremely supportive.  The Chief and I have known each other a long time and have gone through a lot together.  I knew The Chief before he was in his “public me” job.  He has always treated me well over the years both personally and professionally.   I left The Chief’s office feeling I had done the right thing and feeling like a big weight had been taken off my shoulders.  It was a very hard – if not the hardest decision I have made and it was just as hard telling The Chief.

I believe The Chief when he said we will continue to be friends and he will continue to support me anyway he can.  I also know that The Chief is a busy man whose career path is destined to take him places people only dream about.  Therefore I believe once I am gone – once I am “out” so to speak – then I will be “out” and well – shit – it is difficult to put into words.  Things will change I understand that – I won’t be “in” and I won’t be privy to certain information.  I won’t be – this is just too difficult to put into words without revealing too much but I think you get the picture.

Changes………………………..

Now – after the first of the year – because I will not be doing the “public me” job this leaves me open to a lot of things I normally wouldn’t have been able to do.   One of which is move – as in leave the state – as in now I can live anywhere I want to.  I could find that A-frame house in the mountains.  The one brother with whom I have a relationship with live down south and is an option.  But if I moved out-of-state it would mean no more “Alarm Clock”  Wednesdays and as crazy a this might sound I like my Wednesdays with Buddy.  Keeps me grounded – humble.   A move out-of-state would also mean no more SEH and I believe I can handle that.  I think …. shrugging my shoulders ….

Of course I am talking like I have unlimited funds and like I will live forever.

Changes…………………………

Change can be difficult for a lot of people – including me sometimes.  We become comfortable in the normalcy of our lives – in the routines.  Doing something outside our comfort zone and the challenges it brings are not always easy.   For all I know I could still be sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket with the laptop, listening to the sounds of the city, in this same apartment and typing a blog post – just like I am today – one year from now – who knows?  Certainly not I.

Oh wait……………….

Well, I am almost proud of myself….almost.  For 2 days in a row I have gotten up and dressed and today I even went out.  Wow will wonders ever cease??!  Depression is a terrible thing.  Is it a full moon?  Or is just because I am sick, depressed, a mistress, drug addict, a loner, stressed or Hot Mess?

I got a lengthy letter from the BFF I talked about in this post.  Long story short she is not ready for me to be back in her life.  She’s having her difficulties too and well – she says she has nothing to give me.  I was crying so hard after I read it – I felt crushed – I don’t know why I was so upset – I had expected it – after all I had rejected her and her response was appropriate.  This will be something I will regret for the rest of my life.  I will regret not making the time to nurture our friendship.  I will regret putting the fuckin “public me” before our friendship.   I hope she will not always feel this way.  I hope someday she will find it in her heart to forgive me and let me back into her life.

Usually when SEH is on a vacation he keeps in contact via the occasional telephone call and/or text but because he is out of the country and the country he is in is not exactly up on modern technology we haven’t been able to do that.  I did get a short but sweet email this morning but that whole situation is making me sad too.   No one to blame on that one but myself.

Can I fuck up anymore?

Oh wait……….sure I can.  What am I thinking.  I am a Hot Mess I am positive I can fuck up some more.

When I went out this morning I didn’t put on the full “public me” – I was just giving someone a ride and then having my hair done.  But this evening I have to put on the whole “public me” – the works – the “I have to chair a meeting me.”  It’s really exhausting putting on the “public me”, having a smile on my face and all that other happy horse shit when inside I just feel like dying – when all I want to do it cry.

Not easy being me.  Sometimes I wish I could take my own advice.