Hope

Long ago and far away in a land where friendships blossomed and trust was abound I met a girl.  Actually she was a woman, married with children.  We became friends – shared parts of our lives – then she moved away.   I thought it was the end and it was for quite some time – years actually.  Time past and we went along with our separate lives.  Until one day very much by chance a friend of a friend of an acquaintance ran into her daughter and mentioned it to me.  I ended up calling her and our friendship was renewed.

I considered this person the closet thing to a best friend.  We learned even though we hadn’t seen each other in years we were still very much alike and shared a lot of the same thoughts & dreams.  During that time I had gotten a divorce and she was in the process of going through one.  Long story short – we reconnect and spent a lot of time together, hiking, kayaking, crying, exploring, laughing, shooting and having some of the best adventures I have ever had.

She was there for me through a lot of the shit I had and still am going through.  She never judged me, always cared for me and loved me even when I didn’t love myself.  There was no difference between the “public me” and the “private me” to her – she had seen both and just like “me.”  I told her things I have never told another human being.  Shared with her things I have never shared with another human being.

There were things she did – or things about her that I just loved.  And there were things that she did that drove me crazy –  like calling herself fat when she is as thin as a rail or constantly texting no matter what we were doing.

Then something changed…………………

I changed……………………

The “public me” was getting in the way of our friendship as well as the drugs (which by the way she and a lot of other people have no idea about), my depression, my cancer and my totally fucked up mind – to name a few – were making me change.

I slowly stopped answering her text, returning her telephone calls – totally rejected her.  Her last text to me was very hurtful – so hurtful – I just ignored it.  And I haven’t spoken or seen her in months.  She had every right to send me that text and say the things she said.  She had every right to be hurt.

Over the months that have passed I thought about her a lot.  But the more time I let go by the harder is was for me to contact her and apologize.  Apologize for not nurturing our friendship.  Apologize for not being there for her.  Apologize for getting my priorities fucked up.   It was the thought of rejection that held me back.  After all it would be an appropriate response from her as I am sure she felt rejected by me.  And at this point in my life I honestly don’t think I could handle her rejection.  It’s as plain and simple as that.  Her rejecting me would be the straw that broke the camels back.

Over the years I have found it easier to shut people out of my life – reject them – write them off – than to put the work necessary into a relationship or risk being hurt by that person.  Let me do the hurting first and save myself from being hurt.

What a fuckin’ loser I am.

So………………………………..

Yesterday I wrote her a letter, I bought a plant, drove to her house (I knew she would be working), and as I knew it would be the door leading into the garage was open so I went in and left the plant with the letter tucked into it where I knew she would see it – then I left.  If nothing came of the situation at least I had made an attempt at apologizing.  I could have written 15 pages of excuses – I could have tried to justify my actions – I could have filled the pages with what has been happening but I didn’t.  The letter was a simple one page of me telling her I was sorry – I had no excuses – I was an asshole and she had every right to reject me.  I didn’t tell her it was back – I didn’t tell her what was going on with SEH – I just apologized.

I went to bed early last night  –  I wasn’t  feeling too good – but sometime during the course of the evening I got up and noticed a text on my cell phone……………………………from her.  She said the letter was beautiful and heartfelt and she loved the plant.  She said she couldn’t talk now but promised to call.   I hope so – for the first time in a long time – I hope.

Have hope that I am doing the right thing.

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