Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy had one of the greatest love affairs of all time. For 27 years Katharine Hepburn was Spencer Tracy’s mistress. Spencer Tracy would never divorce his wife – according to reports his strike Catholic upbringing and the thought of leaving his children were his reasoning. Whatever his reasoning was Katharine chose to remain his mistress and was loyal to him for the remainder of her life even though Spencer had died years before she did.
I often compare SEH and myself to Katharine & Spencer.
I have chosen not to write much about SEH here – until today. I knew what I was getting into from the very beginning. SEH made is clear right from the start that leaving his wife was not an option – he has his reasons. I never have and I never will push the issue. Though I have often fantasized about it – wished for it – imagined it.
SEH is not tall, dark and handsome. SEH is an average man with extreme intelligence and tremendous power. SEH is a great lover. Ten years older than I but you wouldn’t know it – especially if we were talking sex.
You know how I speak of the “public me” well SEH also has a “public me” and it is not unusual for both of our “public me’s” to be seen together – it is part of our jobs – it is what we do. I know SEH wife – I know his children – his family – his life. I have spent time in his home and stayed at his family’s vacation compound. I have slept in “their” bed and cooked in “their” kitchen. I have ahh’d & aww’d at “their” grandchildren and had sex on “their” sofa.
SEH knows just how lucky he is. He knows he gets to have his cake and eat it too. There have been times where literally SEH’s wife would be sitting on one side of him and I on the other – be it at a public event or on the beach. SEH has stolen kisses, given winks, rubbed my thigh and grabbed my ass if the opportunity to do so presented itself in public – SEH’s wife might only be a few feet away. BUT we still are the King & Queen of keeping it quiet. Discrete and discretion are our middle names.
To this day there is only one other person that knows of our affair. The friend I spoke about in this post. I told “BFF” about SEH and I when I was first diagnosed with cancer – she was going to be our “go between” should something happen. I remember the day I told SEH that I had told BFF about our affair – how I had given her his private telephone numbers and how I wanted him to take hers. I remember reassuring him that she would be just as discrete was we had been – that it wasn’t anything to worry about. I remember waking up in the hospital and seeing SEH sitting here as I talked about in this post. She was a good BFF and I miss her. I hope she contacts me soon.
I am not a “kept woman” by any means. SEH has treated me well over the years – almost 13 of them. We have gone on beautiful vacations together, he has given me some pretty amazing gifts and there have been a couple of times I have asked for his financial assistance which he has given. And over the past 13 years I have dated other men.
BUT – the bottom line is I have been having an affair with a married man for almost 13 years. Is it wrong? Of course it is! Morally it is wrong. I struggle with the moral issue. I struggle with the “I deserve to be #1” issue. I struggle with the “I deserve better than this” issue. I struggle about many things regarding SEH. At one point I even broke off our affair. BUT please know this – IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO – don’t put all the blame on the “other woman.” Don’t call me a “home wrecker” or “tramp” because I am NOT those things. I have never threaten to “expose” us and I have no desire to. Doing something like that would only hurt SEH, hurt his wife and hurt his family. Why would I want to do that?
Long before I found out about my cancer I had brought up the subject of dying and told SEH I just didn’t know how I would be able to handle it if he died before me. How would I be able to maintain my composure. How difficult it would be for me to explain why I was so grief-stricken. Yes, we are friends in other people’s eyes but just that – friends. We spoke at length about it and he expressed the same concerns. I guess now I won’t have to worry about him dying before me.
I am going to write more on SEH in the future – share some memories – some struggles – share my feelings. Today I am feeling o.k. but I have also taken a lot of drugs both prescribed and not. I have the desire to nap. Maybe I will write more – maybe I will sleep – maybe I will get motivated and paint – maybe I will just continue to stay on the couch and watch the idiot box as I refer to it as. Maybe – life is one big MAYBE.