Well, I am almost proud of myself….almost. For 2 days in a row I have gotten up and dressed and today I even went out. Wow will wonders ever cease??! Depression is a terrible thing. Is it a full moon? Or is just because I am sick, depressed, a mistress, drug addict, a loner, stressed or Hot Mess?
I got a lengthy letter from the BFF I talked about in this post. Long story short she is not ready for me to be back in her life. She’s having her difficulties too and well – she says she has nothing to give me. I was crying so hard after I read it – I felt crushed – I don’t know why I was so upset – I had expected it – after all I had rejected her and her response was appropriate. This will be something I will regret for the rest of my life. I will regret not making the time to nurture our friendship. I will regret putting the fuckin “public me” before our friendship. I hope she will not always feel this way. I hope someday she will find it in her heart to forgive me and let me back into her life.
Usually when SEH is on a vacation he keeps in contact via the occasional telephone call and/or text but because he is out of the country and the country he is in is not exactly up on modern technology we haven’t been able to do that. I did get a short but sweet email this morning but that whole situation is making me sad too. No one to blame on that one but myself.
Can I fuck up anymore?
Oh wait……….sure I can. What am I thinking. I am a Hot Mess I am positive I can fuck up some more.
When I went out this morning I didn’t put on the full “public me” – I was just giving someone a ride and then having my hair done. But this evening I have to put on the whole “public me” – the works – the “I have to chair a meeting me.” It’s really exhausting putting on the “public me”, having a smile on my face and all that other happy horse shit when inside I just feel like dying – when all I want to do it cry.
Not easy being me. Sometimes I wish I could take my own advice.