Oh wait……………….

Well, I am almost proud of myself….almost.  For 2 days in a row I have gotten up and dressed and today I even went out.  Wow will wonders ever cease??!  Depression is a terrible thing.  Is it a full moon?  Or is just because I am sick, depressed, a mistress, drug addict, a loner, stressed or Hot Mess?

I got a lengthy letter from the BFF I talked about in this post.  Long story short she is not ready for me to be back in her life.  She’s having her difficulties too and well – she says she has nothing to give me.  I was crying so hard after I read it – I felt crushed – I don’t know why I was so upset – I had expected it – after all I had rejected her and her response was appropriate.  This will be something I will regret for the rest of my life.  I will regret not making the time to nurture our friendship.  I will regret putting the fuckin “public me” before our friendship.   I hope she will not always feel this way.  I hope someday she will find it in her heart to forgive me and let me back into her life.

Usually when SEH is on a vacation he keeps in contact via the occasional telephone call and/or text but because he is out of the country and the country he is in is not exactly up on modern technology we haven’t been able to do that.  I did get a short but sweet email this morning but that whole situation is making me sad too.   No one to blame on that one but myself.

Can I fuck up anymore?

Oh wait……….sure I can.  What am I thinking.  I am a Hot Mess I am positive I can fuck up some more.

When I went out this morning I didn’t put on the full “public me” – I was just giving someone a ride and then having my hair done.  But this evening I have to put on the whole “public me” – the works – the “I have to chair a meeting me.”  It’s really exhausting putting on the “public me”, having a smile on my face and all that other happy horse shit when inside I just feel like dying – when all I want to do it cry.

Not easy being me.  Sometimes I wish I could take my own advice.

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4 thoughts on “Oh wait……………….

  1. Your last sentence says so much to me.. I am the worlds best friend when it comes to listening to a situation, mulling it over, considering it, then giving advice..

    Yet I am the very first to ignore my own advice and wrecklessly live my life in a way that is destructive to not only me, but my son too.

    I drink WAY too much – I often kid to people that I’ve had a ‘Bridgette Jones’ night, but the truth is I have those nights more than I care to properly admit.

    It masks my pain – nothing else does and I’m not sure anything else can.

    Sending you BIG hugs X x x x

  2. Don’t beat yourself up about your friend. Stuff happens and you made contact–that’s what matters. At least you made your peace and just b/c she has crap going on with her, don’t take it personally. Yall are in different seasons of your life and maybe sometime down the road she will contact you again. Just don’t give up hope. There’s nothing to lose with hope—just the possibility of having. As far as everything else, well, we all have those moments and days where we want to crawl in a hole. When I read this post a song came to mind. I hope you listen to it. If anything maybe it will just raise your spirit a little bit. Chin up, you’ve got ppl on your side and praying for you. I don’t even know you personally but I like the real you. I can tell just from your blog that you are honest, caring, and have such a big heart. ❤ http://youtu.be/y8BBCYFAYRI

    • Thank you Nichole. I can only hope sometime in the future she will change her mind. I did listen to the song – it was beautiful. A wonderful way to start my day with Buddy.

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