As I type I am in my usual position – couch, blanket & laptop. The sounds of the city float in through the open windows – no television, no radio, no music – just me – alone as usual. It’s sunny today – a beautiful autumn day. I am trying hard to convince myself to get dressed and go enjoy the day somehow – maybe a short hike or a stroll through the craft store but I am just having a hard time. A seriously hard time.
The depression and sadness have really taken a hold of me and as much as I try fighting it off – pushing it away – it’s not working. I often wonder what I did in my life that was so bad – so wrong – that the powers that be have chosen to place this sadness upon me. I am really not a bad person. I am not a selfish person – I am a giving person by nature. I don’t take advantage of people. I don’t steal. I treat people they way I would like to be treated. I respect people and the earth. Because I am a firm believer in Karma I can only venture to say it must be my affair with SEH that has caused this. What else could it be?
I have noticed some changes in my body. I have noticed I am losing a lot more hair than usual – though there is still very much a good head of hair on my head. I have noticed I am bruising easily – they seem to be just showing up – not knowing how I got them. I have noticed my skin tone and texture are different and a couple of moles have appeared. I have noticed my need for sleep is increasing. My digestive track is acting weird for lack of a better word. And something funky is happening to my teeth – as crazy as it sounds it is almost as if they are shifting. Because I have chosen not to fight this fuckin’ disease I guess this is all part of it. I don’t know – go with the flow I guess. I just wish I wasn’t so damn sad.
But the biggest change of all is not a physical one. I have decided to stop working after the first of the year. Well I guess I should say I have decided to stop working at the “public me” job after the first of the year. If I am still physically capable of working I will find something else. Maybe something that doesn’t bring me so much anxiety – something where I don’t have to worry so much – something that doesn’t put me in the limelight. Something where my fuckin’ name won’t be in the papers every other week.
I talked with the head honcho – the big guy and for the sake of this post I will call him The Chief the end of last week. I got emotional when I spoke with The Chief about this – I don’t think The Chief has ever seen me emotional. I wasn’t too emotional but I did get tears in my eyes and it became difficult to speak. He was extremely understanding and extremely supportive. The Chief and I have known each other a long time and have gone through a lot together. I knew The Chief before he was in his “public me” job. He has always treated me well over the years both personally and professionally. I left The Chief’s office feeling I had done the right thing and feeling like a big weight had been taken off my shoulders. It was a very hard – if not the hardest decision I have made and it was just as hard telling The Chief.
I believe The Chief when he said we will continue to be friends and he will continue to support me anyway he can. I also know that The Chief is a busy man whose career path is destined to take him places people only dream about. Therefore I believe once I am gone – once I am “out” so to speak – then I will be “out” and well – shit – it is difficult to put into words. Things will change I understand that – I won’t be “in” and I won’t be privy to certain information. I won’t be – this is just too difficult to put into words without revealing too much but I think you get the picture.
Now – after the first of the year – because I will not be doing the “public me” job this leaves me open to a lot of things I normally wouldn’t have been able to do. One of which is move – as in leave the state – as in now I can live anywhere I want to. I could find that A-frame house in the mountains. The one brother with whom I have a relationship with live down south and is an option. But if I moved out-of-state it would mean no more “Alarm Clock” Wednesdays and as crazy a this might sound I like my Wednesdays with Buddy. Keeps me grounded – humble. A move out-of-state would also mean no more SEH and I believe I can handle that. I think …. shrugging my shoulders ….
Of course I am talking like I have unlimited funds and like I will live forever.
Change can be difficult for a lot of people – including me sometimes. We become comfortable in the normalcy of our lives – in the routines. Doing something outside our comfort zone and the challenges it brings are not always easy. For all I know I could still be sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket with the laptop, listening to the sounds of the city, in this same apartment and typing a blog post – just like I am today – one year from now – who knows? Certainly not I.