Changes

As I type I am in my usual position – couch, blanket & laptop.  The sounds of the city float in through the open windows – no television, no radio, no music – just me – alone as usual.   It’s sunny today – a beautiful autumn day.  I am trying hard to convince myself to get dressed and go enjoy the day somehow – maybe a short hike or a stroll through the craft store but I am just having a hard time.  A seriously hard time.

The depression and sadness have really taken a hold of me and as much as I try fighting it off – pushing it away – it’s not working.  I often wonder what I did in my life that was so bad – so wrong – that the powers that be have chosen to place this sadness upon me.  I am really not a bad person.  I am not a selfish person – I am a giving person by nature.  I don’t take advantage of people.  I don’t steal.  I treat people they way I would like to be treated.  I respect people and the earth.  Because I am a firm believer in Karma I can only venture to say it must be my affair with SEH that has caused this.  What else could it be?

Changes………………………

I have noticed some changes in my body.  I have noticed I am losing a lot more hair than usual – though there is still very much a good head of hair on my head.  I have noticed I am bruising easily – they seem to be just showing up – not knowing how I got them.  I have noticed my skin tone and texture are different and a couple of moles have appeared.  I have noticed my need for sleep is increasing.  My digestive track is acting weird for lack of a better word.  And something funky is happening to my teeth – as crazy as it sounds it is almost as if they are shifting.  Because I have chosen not to fight this fuckin’ disease I guess this is all part of it.  I don’t know – go with the flow I guess.  I just wish I wasn’t so damn sad.

Changes……………………….

But the biggest change of all is not a physical one.  I have decided to stop working after the first of the year.  Well I guess I should say I have decided to stop working at the “public me” job after the first of the year.  If I am still physically capable of working I will find something else.  Maybe something that doesn’t bring me so much anxiety – something where I don’t have to worry so much – something that doesn’t put me in the limelight.  Something where my fuckin’ name won’t be in the papers every other week.

I talked with the head honcho – the big guy and for the sake of this post I will call him The Chief the end of last week.  I got emotional when I spoke with The Chief about this – I don’t think The Chief has ever seen me emotional.  I wasn’t too emotional but I did get tears in my eyes and it became difficult to speak.  He was extremely understanding and extremely supportive.  The Chief and I have known each other a long time and have gone through a lot together.  I knew The Chief before he was in his “public me” job.  He has always treated me well over the years both personally and professionally.   I left The Chief’s office feeling I had done the right thing and feeling like a big weight had been taken off my shoulders.  It was a very hard – if not the hardest decision I have made and it was just as hard telling The Chief.

I believe The Chief when he said we will continue to be friends and he will continue to support me anyway he can.  I also know that The Chief is a busy man whose career path is destined to take him places people only dream about.  Therefore I believe once I am gone – once I am “out” so to speak – then I will be “out” and well – shit – it is difficult to put into words.  Things will change I understand that – I won’t be “in” and I won’t be privy to certain information.  I won’t be – this is just too difficult to put into words without revealing too much but I think you get the picture.

Changes………………………..

Now – after the first of the year – because I will not be doing the “public me” job this leaves me open to a lot of things I normally wouldn’t have been able to do.   One of which is move – as in leave the state – as in now I can live anywhere I want to.  I could find that A-frame house in the mountains.  The one brother with whom I have a relationship with live down south and is an option.  But if I moved out-of-state it would mean no more “Alarm Clock”  Wednesdays and as crazy a this might sound I like my Wednesdays with Buddy.  Keeps me grounded – humble.   A move out-of-state would also mean no more SEH and I believe I can handle that.  I think …. shrugging my shoulders ….

Of course I am talking like I have unlimited funds and like I will live forever.

Changes…………………………

Change can be difficult for a lot of people – including me sometimes.  We become comfortable in the normalcy of our lives – in the routines.  Doing something outside our comfort zone and the challenges it brings are not always easy.   For all I know I could still be sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket with the laptop, listening to the sounds of the city, in this same apartment and typing a blog post – just like I am today – one year from now – who knows?  Certainly not I.

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2 thoughts on “Changes

  1. Remember young Atlas, at times the weight of the world will bear down on your shoulders, the dark will come and all those that you hold up and support, all those that depends on you to hold up the weight of the world will call out and shout for you to hold on just a little bit longer to hold them up just a little bit higher. Remember Atlas your path is chosen by your actions, your own self and well being depend on only you and your choices….. Atlas, I say, Fuckem, shrug…. It is time for change it sounds like….I have no idea what the public you does and I kind of like it that way, keeps everything honest as anonymity can be. For me that is about as honest as I can be, even when responding to some else’s shit. As for your Karma, well doesn’t work that way I’m afraid, Karma is actually pretty even up. Your SEH issues would never be enough to tip the scales to the side you find yourself on now, even if you had to pay Karma back in this life, again not the case, SEH repayment will have to wait for the next life…… If you believe that kind of thing, and I seem to remember you saying you believe in Karma. (pause while we make more coffee) OK, me born again atheist… LOL. I personally believe you just weren’t able to dodge a really shitty genetic bullet, being the “other woman” no matter how long does not equate to dying of cancer, SHIT the time spent with Buddy repays that debt. Now maybe the public you is actually on the approval board of the some war mongering science lab, that experiments with genetic mutation, changing the face of death everywhere we look, then maybe Karma would see fit to bestow upon you this, that you suffer from now. I hope that all of your decisions that you now make are for you and you alone, in the end you will set the course for your destiny, the ship is your life, your port of harbor long behind you now. Set your rigging fast, hold your head up high and steer your ship with pride, don’t look back the monsters give chase…. I hope your day has a moment of brightness in it, I hope tonight when you sit and relax, wherever you are I hope you can see the moon. The moon is my wife’s and my favorite thing to stare up at.. Since she has been sick we haven’t stood beneath it and held each other in a long time. I hold onto hope that one day we will hold each other under the stars again…. Take Care younger than me Aquantance……

    • AZ you never fail to put things into perspective for me. And you never fail to bring a smile to my face. You never fail to make me think a different way. I am grateful you are my “acquaintance” but I have the feeling that if we knew each other in the “real world” we would be “friends.” Younger? I don’t know about that…….LOL. Sending you a virtual hug and a heartfelt thank you. I miss your writing and I hope you have been out hiking. I love the fact you and the Mrs. moon gazing. The moon gazing reminded me of a time in the past I think I will write about. Wishing you a wonderful Sunday – may it be as amazing as you are.

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