One of the rocks I painted today

My Tuesday is winding down – as I type I am in my very predictable position – couch, blanket and laptop watching the sky turn the beautiful colors that it does when the sun sets.  I have poured myself a Bailey’s on the rocks and I am trying hard to get out of my own head.

Yesterday was not totally unproductive – I got my nails done, hair done and I painted for a while.  I might not feel all that great but damn I look good…..hahahaha.  And I got caught up on some email and paperwork.

Today I have been doing some more painting and a little investigative work to find something different for Buddy & I to do tomorrow.   Though to Buddy rituals and routines are key to his happiness and he would be just as happy hiking every Wednesday away – something is definitely wrong with my ankle/foot and walking has been painful so I can only imagine what hiking would feel like.  Just in case we do go for a little hike (which we probably will) I painted a few rocks ala Halloween style to take with us and strategically place for someone else to find.

I have also been trying to go through some of my things – to organize them – I have decided I would like to make some memory boxes for friends & what little family I have.  I am also making one for SEH.  I found a book I use to write poems in.  I wrote the poem below for SEH.  I gave it to him on one of his birthdays.  It’s hard to buy a birthday gift for SEH – always has been.  It can’t be something he just shows up at home with.  In the past I have gotten him some gifts he can keep in his office at work but on a recent visit to his office I noticed none of those things were there – then again I really wasn’t looking for them.  I didn’t question him on it.  I didn’t want to hear the answer.

Going through my things has made me melancholy.

When I am finished with SEH’s box I am hoping to give it to the one and only other person who knows about our affair.  And it is my hope that after I am gone she will give it to him.  I know she will do it if I ask.  I miss our friendship.  What he does with that memory box when he gets it is something he will have to decide.  He certainly won’t be able to bring it home – maybe he will keep it in his office – maybe the trunk of his car – maybe he will look at the contents and throw it away.

This is not exactly how I wanted to spend my day  – I also know this isn’t something I have to do – it is something I want to do.   I want to be able to have everything organized – everything in place – I want to be able to give the special people in my life something special to remember me by.  I also believe there is no hurry – that I am not going to die tomorrow and I should be around for some time – plenty of time.

Here is the poem I wrote SEH.  I titled it “The Man.”

To the man in the white, grey, black and blue

It really doesn’t matter

Because I can’t have you

I often wonder how life would be

If we were together – you and me


Just think

My head on your chest

Listening as I have in the past

To the smartest man in the cast

Of characters we have become

The circus – the game

They are one in the same

And laugh

And think

And get inside my head

You’d make me feel good about myself

Confidence – Peace – Security

Are the things you bring to me

Then you would place your hands on my face

Plant a kiss on my lips and say

“I love you, Hotmess” before you go away

But that’s o.k. because you were never there

To the man in the white, grey, black and blue

Because I never can really have you

As far as I am concerned this day can not end fast enough.  Sleep is my relief.  I don’t like when I feel sorry for myself.  I don’t like getting up when it is dark out.  I don’t like a lot of things lately.  I also don’t like the word “hate.”  Hate is such a strong word.


2 thoughts on “THE MAN & THE ROCK

  1. Beautiful poem and cool punkin rock…. I am not an empathetic person when it comes to those outside of my closest loved ones, and those are few, my wife would tell you I was born without that part in my brain. I wish I could feel for others, and maybe I wouldn’t live with so much hate in my heart…. I so look forward to reading what you have to say, not always pleasant, your sadness some days reminds me of my own, save the terminal thing….but always a good read, well worded. I can only say I wish your world was different that depression didn’t exist in the world, that cancer didn’t inhabit human bodies, I wish everyone could experience the love I found a year ago…….. Little Miss Mess, I do not know what is to come of us as beings when our bodies leave this world, but whatever happens wherever my energy winds up, I will look for brightly painted rocks wherever I wind up, because if it’s better than the world I am in now I hope your being ends up there as well….. You’ve earned it….

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