Memory

Memory – August 2012

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The field out back of the B&B

Leaving early on a Saturday morning and scheduled to come home the evening of the next day  – in the course of that small time frame the BFF & I managed to visit an animal reserve, take 3 hikes, had front row seats to a record-breaking rain storm and witnessed one of the best shows ever put on by Mother Nature.

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The view looking the other way as I stand in the field

The BFF & I had been planing this for some time.  We didn’t want to miss out on what could be the biggest meteor shower of our lifetime.  After driving north and entering the quaint little town we were staying in we decided to have a late lunch / early dinner and randomly picked a restaurant.  Got great seats right next to the huge picture windows overlooking a the whole town and the lake it sat on.   As we were eating the clouds moved in, the sky opened up, the rain poured down at a record-breaking rate, thunder boomed, lighting struck all around us and the town lost its electricity – including the little restaurant we were in.   The BFF looked at me with a kind of sad look in her eyes and there I was – ever the positive person – saying it’s going to pass, it’s going to pass and the sky will clear up – the sky will clear up.  It’s going to pass and we will see the meteor shower.  But in all seriousness between the lighting and thunder and being in a restaurant that just lost their electricity it wasn’t exactly encouraging.

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Following the BFF

By the time we finished eating – by candle light – not only was the sky clearing up but a beautiful rainbow filled the sky.  We still had a couple of hours of daylight left and the meteor showers weren’t scheduled to start until around midnight.  So, the BFF & I decided on a hike.  Now the last time the BFF & I ventured into the woods just before sunset we got lost – hopelessly lost for 4 hours – that was the Super Moon hike that is best saved for another blog post.  This hike was recommended by the B&B owners and we found the trail with no problems.  Sprayed ourselves down with bug repellent and headed in.  Sometimes I wonder what the fuck I or in this case we were thinking – we weren’t dressed appropriately, we weren’t familiar with the area – the only thing we had going for us was the B&B owner knew where we were going.   It was fine  – even if I lost my footing going over a downed tree that covered a marsh and ended up knee-deep in swamp – even if the BFF got hung up on another downed tree and her then white shorts were now black and extremely wet – even if regardless of the bug repellent we were being eaten alive –  even if the BFF had to use her cell phone light and I had to use the flash on my camera to get us out of there .  It was one of those times where we both breathed a sign of relief when we found the path out.

We ushered in the new day flat on our backs on top of a sleeping bag in the middle of a field watching Mother Nature give us her own private fire works show.  It was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen.  There were so many that I got a sore neck jerking my head around trying not to miss any.  At one point at about 1:30 A.M. the owners of the B&B came out to check up on us, offered us a flashlight (which we gladly excepted) and a glass of wine (which we politely declined because we were sipping our own cocktails we brought from home) and asked us to kindly lock the back door which they would leave open for us.  They spent a few minutes with us watching the sky and they were just as amazed as we were.  Having a meteor shower with no moon doesn’t happen all that often and I am glad the BFF and I decided to take some time out of our busy lives to do this.

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Morning lake hike

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The BFF sitting on one of the rocks at the gorge

Working on a couple of hours of sleep the BFF & I – on another recommendation by the owners  –  headed out for a small “before breakfast” hike around one of the lakes.  It was one of the most beautiful hikes I have ever taken – boy the owners certainly knew the territory well.  Back at the B&B for a healthy breakfast where the owners sat down with us to chat.  They ended up being one of the nicest couples I have ever met – originally from the City I live in now before they gave up their careers, sold their stuff and purchased this B&B (my heroes) – we had a lot to talk about.  At one point the BFF & I  mentioned maybe taking in one more hike before heading back home – maybe someplace along the way and one of the owners broke out a map and pointed out to us all the places we could go from there to home.  They really were a great couple and it saddened me recently to hear that they had the B&B up for sale.  Makes me wonder what happened – why they were selling – where they were going.  It also make me wish I had the money to purchase it.

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Mica mica and more mica

After bidding our farewells to Jan & Paul the BFF & I headed about 45 minutes northwest of where we were for our third hike in 2 days.  A beautiful hike bringing us to a gorge so magnificent that the photos I took just didn’t do it justice.  Hiking back out the BFF came across a rock half buried in the dirt that shined so brightly with mica that we spent a good 20 minute digging with our hands to get the rock out of the ground.  She was determined to get it out and have it for her classroom – she’s a teacher.  We got that rock out and cleaned up and it does sit in her classroom today.

I am amazed at the energy I had a little over a year ago.  How I could hike for days – stay up all night – just sucking in the beauty Mother Nature gave us.  Now as I sit on my couch my upper back hurts badly, I lost any energy I might have had earlier today and as the clock is about to strike 8:30 I am ready for bed – a far cry from a year ago.  I told myself that if I do not feel better tomorrow morning I will go to urgent care but to be honest I am afraid.  I am afraid of what they will tell me – I am afraid.  It is as plain and simple as that – I am afraid.

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Awakenings

I’ve been wide awake since 4:30 A.M. for no particular reason other than for I fell into a turkey coma around 9:00 P.M. last night and I figured my body has had enough sleep.  I am wondering if a leftover turkey sandwich is appropriate breakfast food.  Then again it is not like my life and my life choices have ever been appropriate.  I was never one to believe you could only have eggs for breakfast and steak for dinner.  Actually I love to have “breakfast food” for dinner.

I am watching the movie Awakenings on the idiot box – I have never seen it before and I am finding it fascinating – really fascinating – extremely fascinating.

Thanksgiving at Mini Me’s went well – I laughed a lot – I ate a lot – I swore a lot.  I love swearing!  Came home with a full belly and multiple Tupperware type containers filled with yummy leftovers.  It was good to see some people I haven’t seen in a long time and I got my adorable 2-year-old fix.  This 2-year-old can be the best non prescribed drug therapy for me.

My days are starting to blend into each other and it actually took me a few minutes to figure out what day of the week it actually was – which kind of scared me.  I would like to get a couple of things accomplished today like an oil change and picking up a couple of things at the art supply store but the thought of crowds and traffic are not very appealing to me right now.  I have the feeling it will be a day filled with nothing much but me on the couch with my blanket and laptop.  But really who knows – I never know what day will bring or where I will end up.

A feeling of melancholy just came upon me – a feeling on loneliness – I am suppressing the tears to the point my eyes and cheek bones are starting to hurt.  It literally came out of nowhere – or did it.  This is when I wish I could express myself better.  This is when I go through the “why me!” thing in my head.  This is when the drugs help me not to give a shit.  Maybe I should just try to go back to sleep.

 

I’ve Got An Attitude…………

It’s Thanksgiving and the fucking media is driving me crazy – telling me what the perfect Thanksgiving dinner should be and how to set the perfect Thanksgiving day table, with ads for black Friday and Christmas.  I would rather stick an ice pick in my ear than go to a store of black Friday.  I would rather eat a plate of cockroaches than buy a Christmas gift.  I blame myself partly for even having the television on but it is everywhere – radio, internet, even my snail mail is filled with catalogs galore.  It is no wonder this time of year has the highest suicide rate.

Last night I had to attend two “public me” events and at one of them I had the pleasure – NOT – of sitting next to a member of the local media who asked me what I was doing for Thanksgiving and I wanted to reach over the armrest and slap the bitch out.  Mostly because this same media person wrote nasty shit about me a couple of weeks ago and now she was trying to make nice small talk.  Bitch please……………

  • SEH is out-of-state with his family for the holiday and I just ignored a telephone call from him.
  • The meeting with the person taking my job after the first of the year went well.  Blahahaha……….they have no idea what they are in for.
  • BFF actually called me yesterday to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving and to see if I was available to get together this weekend.  I cried – a lot.
  • The ankle/foot thing is feeling much better – not perfect but better.
  • I am attempting to cook a couple of dishes today to take with me to Mini me’s house.  I don’t think I was a chef in another life.

I use to practice my “attitude of gratitude” daily.  I would make a list of all the things I was grateful for everyday.  Some days the list would fill the whole page and some days it would have one thing on it – that I was grateful I made it though the day.  I don’t know why I stopped doing it.  In hindsight – regardless of the cancer, my addictions, stress and being a Hot Mess I really do have a lot to be grateful for.

Today I am grateful / thankful …………..

  • for a roof over my head, clothes on my  back and food in the fridge
  • that I have a car and a garage to park it in
  • for the great stock of paints, brushes, canvases and art supplies I have
  • that the sun is shining
  • I will be spending today with Mini Me and her family
  • for the cup of coffee I am sipping, the warm blanket I am wrapped in and the laptop I am typing on
  • for early text messages from my brother

I wish anyone who should happen to stumble upon this blog a Happy Thanksgiving.  And if you should happen to stumble upon this humble blog remember don’t pay attention to the fuckin media – spend the day doing something that makes you happy.  You don’t have to be surrounded by family who drives you crazy or spend endless hours cooking a meal no one will be grateful for – do something for you!  And remember – and this comes from someone who is pretty fucked up physically and mentally – you can always find something to be grateful for even if it is just making it through the day.

Wait For Me

With a devilish little voice I say “I dare you to watch this video” – “Double dog dare”

Mornings are particularly tough.  I feel like I am coughing up what is left of my lungs – this morning in no different.  It takes me longer and longer to go through my morning routine and get myself ready.  UGH.  But as the day goes by I tend to feel better and get more done.  Yesterday was a great example of accomplishing a lot but being so exhausted by the end of the day I slept 12 solid hours.  Who the heck sleeps 12 hours?

I love music!  Probably just as much as I love a good book.  If a book or a song can make you cry or make you want more than it has succeeded and did its job.   This song – video does just that.  I’ve been crying all morning.  Bruce has always been one of my favorites way before he shook his ass with Courtney Cox.  And for the record I cried when Clearance Clemens died – for crying out loud I cried when Van Zandt character of the Soparno’s was in a coma (one of the few television shows I enjoyed.)

If I was having a funeral or wake I would have them play this song.  If I ever get married again this will be our wedding song………blahahahahaha……………….now that is funny.

There is a line in this video that says “everyone dreams of a love lasting and true but you and I know what this world can do”

I mentioned in one of my first post that I don’t know if I know what real love is.  Certainly my track record proves that.  I blame a lot of my ideas of what true love is  and “happily ever after” on the media.  Movies, television shows, magazines depict this knight in shining armor – scooping us up – riding off into the sunset to a land of houses with little white picket fences – you know what I mean.  The  old “millionaire giving the prostitute a diamond necklace” syndrome.    I have become cynical and jaded over the years – realizing seriously that that is just a bunch of bullshit.  But please feel free to correct me if you think I am wrong.  Love is hard – relationships are hard – any type of relationship or love be it friends, lovers, family – it’s hard.  You have to take the good with the bad – no one is perfect – that “magical feeling” you first had will eventually fade – someone’s habits might drive you crazy – they are just fucking hard.

Though it is too late for me – I still dream of that kind of love.  The “rescue me, take care of me, love me, protect me, love me no matter what” kind of love.  I think every girl does.

Mini me has been harassing me again this morning (though it is almost afternoon now) asking me to come over her house.  She told me that her and her boyfriend went to the local craft store and got some fresh  supplies and they wanted me to come over and paint.  And I just might take her up on her offer if I can ever get off the couch and do what is necessary for me to go out.

I know this post is kind of all over the place but that is where my head is at this morning.  I’m not feeling well.  I want to feel better but I don’t know if that will ever happen.  I am sad.  I am doing a lot of the “I shoulda – woulda – coulda’s.”  I need to snap out of it.  As much as I tell myself to keep up the positive attitude – enjoy what is left of my life – I can’t help but feel down and out.

Blog Therapy

Yup, usual position plus a little space heater which I consider to be the best 40 dollar investment I have ever made.  Slept until 9:00 this morning after another toss and turn night.  I have said this before and I will say it again I do not know how people with insomnia do it.  Sleep is so important to the body………..sleep is healing vapors to the soul – healing vapors to the body.

I wiped out when I was with Buddy yesterday and he found it to be very amusing.  My ankle/foot gave out and my body followed it.  Didn’t hurt anything but my ego maybe…………………….I even laughed.  But then after I composed myself and we starting hiking again I started to think and we all know what happens when I think – it isn’t good.  We were someplace new – I had never been there before – about 40 miles north of where Buddy lives.  I didn’t have a trail map, I didn’t do my research and I didn’t tell anyone where we were.  I was too busy looking around at the new scenery and wasn’t watching my footing.

Bottom line is if I had hurt myself – we were screwed.  When we got back on a little more leveled ground I started talking to Buddy – again I don’t know what he understands or doesn’t understand I talk to him as if he understand everything.  And for the record he very rarely responses to my talking.  So, there I am in the middle of nowhere carrying on a one-way conversation.

“Buddy, did you think that was funny?”  “Buddy, what would you do if Hot Mess really hurt yourself?”  “Buddy, do you know how to use a phone?”  “Buddy, can you slow down a little my ankle really hurts?”  “Buddy, why didn’t I research this place?”  “Buddy, I should have done my homework.”  “Buddy, oh wow look a great walking stick!”  “Buddy, seriously, can you slow down!”  “Buddy, let’s just turn around Buddy, Hot Mess thinks we should go back!”

For the record I always refer to myself in the third person when I am with Buddy and I always refer to myself to the name he calls me.  Buddy has a hard time pronouncing my “real world” name though a “quote” “normal person” wouldn’t and it has always been that way.  I start each sentence off with his name so he knows I am talking to him and sometimes I have to ask him to look at me or I say something silly like “Buddy where are Hot Mess’s eyes?” so he will look at me.  And instead of saying something like, “I think we should turn back.”  I have to say, “Buddy, Hot Mess thinks we should turn around.”  This is just the way his brain processes it and the way he understands.  I am sure it can be very amusing to someone who is watching us try to communicate.  Buddy does know some sign language and I am told he used it a lot when he was younger but as Buddy has gotten older his care givers prefer that he doesn’t use it and we try to get Buddy to vocalize more.

I was with Buddy for over 4 years before I heard him say “school bus” and point to it one day.  I didn’t even know he knew what a school bus was.  Imagine my surprise when he said “cigarette” when I lit up one day.   I probably could write a pretty good book about my experiences with Buddy.

Long story – short – we finally get back to the car with another stick in the backseat and I say a silent prayer to the powers that be for getting us back to the car and that it is my left foot and I can still drive.  I know I need to go get it checked but it is just such a pain in the ass.  It’s been hurting for some time – my insurance sucks – and seriously it is not like I am going to let them do any surgery on it.  I don’t know what the fuck I am talking about – I am just not in a good mood today.  I would like nothing more than to sit here on my couch with my blanket and do nothing never mind interact with a slew of medical professionals, having to go over my story again and again, and making something that should be as simple as an ankle/foot x-ray into an all day affair.  Ugh.  Wow!  I can bitch!

*SEH has some very serious personal issues going on with his family and I spoke at length with him about it yesterday.  I feel bad for him and wish there was a way I could help but I am not his wife and I am limited as to how I can help.  I haven’t seen him in some time.  – Speak of the devil – he is texting me now.

*I have made the decision to spend Thanksgiving with Mimi me, her sister and their family.  I have even offered to cook a couple dishes………….ugh………………..what am I thinking.

*Tomorrow will mark the 3rd anniversary of the surgery to remove the middle lobe of my right lung.

*I have a shit load of things that need to be done and I am having such a hard time getting my ass off this couch.

*I have been making notes and preparing for my last day at my “public me” job.  I have a meeting scheduled for Tuesday with the person who will be taking my place where I plan on handing over anything and everything that could possibly help this person.  I am hoping they will have a smooth transition and I will help them out anyway I can.

*All of a sudden I just got very sad and started to cry – with that said – I’m off.  Peace out.

The Walking Stick & My Friend

If you think I am in my usual position consisting of couch, coffee, blanket and laptop you are correct.  I slept late this morning – late for me.  It is weird how one night I can sleep a solid 12 hours and barely move in my sleep and then there are nights like last night where I toss and turn and sleep like crap.  I feel like someone hit me with a sledge-hammer right in the middle of the chest.  Cough, cough, cringe, cringe.  Sipping my coffee waiting for the drugs to kick in.

Lately when I go for a hike I usually end up picking up a stick to help me along because the ankle/foot is still killing me and gives out every once in a while.  A couple of weeks ago I kept the stick I had picked up, brought it home, took the bark off of it, sanded it down a little and started to paint it.  When I was with Mini Me the other day I told her I was “pimping my stick out” which she thought was hysterical.  Anywho – I have been working on the stick for a couple of weeks and it is still not finished.  It stands – I think – a little over four feet and when I am done I will put a top coat on it of some kind to seal it.  I am digging the way it is coming out.

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My walking stick

Mr. Sweetwater left me the most beautiful comment the other day – true or not – it brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face.  When I started this blog I had no idea people would actually read it let alone comment on it.  I also didn’t think I would connect with anyone.  If you think about it – the internet is easy to hide behind – makes it easy for people to say things they might normally not say in person – I keep thinking of all those teenagers out there being bullied on here.  I am happy to say I have not experienced that and since starting this blog I have made some connections (however small they may be) with what I believe to be some pretty great people.

What Mr. Sweetwater had no way of knowing is the whole longitude and latitude thing has a special meaning for me (that goes back years.)  It was something I had been thinking about for some time and I have been contemplating having one of these made (picture below.)  I first saw them on a search I did years ago when the whole longitude / latitude thing happened.  I wanted something to remember it by and now I think I will but I think I will be putting a whole new set of coordinates on it.

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Something like this………

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or this……….

I don’t know why Mr. Sweetwater and I connected the way we did.  I know we both like hiking and painting.  I know we share some points of view.  But the comment he left me meant more to me than he will probably ever know.  I don’t think I will ever be able to explain it here.  But I want him to know how very much it meant to me and I just know that if we knew each other in “real life” he would be a friend and not an acquaintance – and hopefully he will know what I mean by that.

I thank you Mr. Sweetwater from the bottom of my heart.