Yesterday was a totally unproductive day.   My feelings ranged from guilt to not giving a fuck.  I feel like I need inspiration……………………..  Today I have a noon time “public me” meeting so at the very least the day won’t be a total waste.

“Alarm Clock” Wednesday started out good – got ugly as Buddy had a mini meltdown but ended on a good note.  Fortunately, I was able to pull over into a parking lot when Buddy’s mini meltdown started.    The mini meltdown lasted a little over an hour and a half and I could tell he was trying very hard to calm himself down.  He was listening to me – hearing what I had to say – and even taking some of my suggestions.   If this had been a full-blown meltdown Buddy would not have listened – he would have been in his own little world and it would have lasted well over an hour and a half.  He didn’t self harm as much as he totally destroyed the shirt he had on by literally biting it to shreds.  I believe I would rather have him destroy his shirt than hurt himself.   On a good note – after it was all over – we got to get in lunch and a little hike.   He seemed fine by the end of the day – just a little sad.

I’ve been a little sad myself lately.   You know I’ve got the “woe is mes” going on.  No motivation – no inspiration – no desire to do much of anything.   I find that I am happiest when I am outside preferably outside with Mother Nature – not outside in the City.   So I have purposely dressed “down” for my noontime “public me” meeting and I am hoping to get some one on one time with Mother Nature today though it is extremely windy today and rainy at times so maybe a visit to the local art supply store will give me some inspiration – motivation.  There is a good one right near the Starbucks we are supposed to be meeting at.  I am laughing a little because I am sure the guy I am meeting will be looking for the “business suit” me and I am dressed more like the “going to the gym” me.  Really………….who the fuck cares.  Seriously who the fuck cares how I am dressed.

Nothing meaningful to say regarding SEH.

My foot/ankle is still sore.

Thought my doctor’s appointment was today – it was yesterday – fuck.

I don’t have many non prescribed drugs left and need to make a run.  I also don’t have a drop of alcohol in the house.  Unacceptable.

I’m not in a good mood………………….can you tell?



4 thoughts on “INSPIRE ME

  1. Finally! I am so glad to hear you were yourself in the public you. Make yourself happy. I get there is a time and place for certain clothing but its always bugged me that you have to change who you are in public. I hope your day ended better and I think you have a talent for art. I encourage you to do some painting when you are in a mood. Its a good way to express that mood and I enjoy seeing your stuff.

  2. Hi Aussa – The whole “Public me” is hard to explain but I will give it my best. My job is very much in the public eye – where I am scrutinize & criticized, need to dress and act just so. It is fucking exhausting …………… I took a brief look at your blog and you work in a psych ward? I figure if I don’t die first I will end up in one. Can’t wait to read it.

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