I just wrote a whole blog post and hit the “move to trash” button – no idea why I decided not to post it.
Oh what a difference a day makes – yesterday was a picture perfect New England day – no jacket required. Today it is rainy, cool (borderline cold) and dark day but I don’t mind at all. Guess where I am? Ding ding ding you win – my usual couch position having already consumed a cup of coffee and my morning allotment of drugs both legal and illegal. Still in my moose pjs purchased officially in Alaska by my late sister. Slept 12 hours last night after spending the majority of yesterday trying to keep up with a 2-year-old. It was worth every achy, sore bone in my body.
I am absolutely terrible with dates – remembering birthdays, anniversaries, etc……. But I do remember some dates.
I call the year 2001 the “year from hell” for a lot of reasons. One of which was I lost both my parents – 4 months apart from each other. I went from having parents to being an orphan in a matter of months. Both where unexpected and I fell into a deep depression that lasted a long time. I got to see the “true colors” of my siblings and spouse. 2001 was also the beginning of the end of my marriage. I am one of six children my parents had – I am fifth – next to last.
My late Mom really was the glue that held my family together. Every Sunday – every Sunday – Mom would make a big Sunday dinner and every child, in-law, grandchild and extended family member were invited. As long as I can remember she always did this. Even as some of my older siblings moved out-of-state mom still did Sunday dinner. Even as uncles, cousins and other extended family members passed away – mom still did Sunday dinner. Sunday dinner was always followed by watching a football, baseball, basketball or hockey game on the television and for those who didn’t want to watch the game there was always another kind of game happening in another room of my childhood home which usually involved Scrabble, Trivial Pursuit or a deck of cards. Sunday dinner was a ritual, a tradition and probably what I miss most about my parents.
Life in my childhood home was not always “Sunday dinners.” My late Dad was a functioning alcoholic with a mean temper. I admired the fact he always worked two jobs to support his wife & children but I never admired the fact he had a tongue like a knife and would use that knife often. Not once did my dad lay a hand on me – he didn’t have to – his words were enough to take me down. He took everyone down – including my mom – which was hard for me to take. There was always a part of me that thought my mother was weak and I could never understand why she stayed with a man who could be so mean. So, when my dad passed away I thought to myself that she could finally be free – free from the demands and verbal abuse – free to do what she wanted but instead 4 months to the day after my dad passed – mom followed him.
Sunday dinner time stopped along with a lot of other things. Though my parents left a pretty detailed last will and testament fights broke out among siblings over material possessions – the task of cleaning out and selling the home I grew up in – the home in which my parents lived for almost 40 years turned into a shit show and more fights broke out. I knew it must have been difficult for everyone – for all of us and I cut everyone slack – everyone grieves differently – everyone reacts differently but this was a nightmare and I was beginning to see my siblings true colors (it wasn’t temporary with some.) Instead of being there for each other when you would think we would have needed each other the most – we barely spoke to each other – or one would talk about another. It got so bad and I was so depressed I just chose to cut off all contact with everyone and kept it that way for a long time. Then I chose to let my siblings back into my life one by one and soon realized some of them weren’t grieving – that those were their true colors and I soon learned – unfortunately the hard way that I needed to stop communicating with most of them all together.
Today, I have a good relationship with one older brother who lives out-of-state. I often wish we lived closer. He never judges me, he knows of my past problems and has helped me out on many occasions. We have a lot in common for siblings and share the same points of view on a lot of things. I love him dearly along with his wife. The last time I saw him was almost a year ago – Thanksgiving. I flew down there for what was supposed to be a 4 day extended weekend but it turned into a 10 day vacation and I didn’t want to leave. We can go weeks without speaking but one telephone call and it goes back to feeling like we talk everyday. He is also probably the only person I know who still writes letters – hand written pages – sealed in an envelope and mailed via U.S. Postal Service. It’s a lost art………………………………
I also had a good relationship with one older sister who passed away – way too young – in 2011. She deserves her own post and I am sure I will write about her soon. As for the others – one older brother with whom I haven’t spoken to in years – o.k. that was a lie – I spoke with him when he came back for my sisters wake & funeral (which by the way I will not be having – they are torture in my eyes) and he probably deserves his own post too – for totally different reasons. There is also another older sister and a younger sister who live in the same state – 15 minutes away by car – I have extreme minimal contact with both – and I am again sure if I continue with this blog they will get a post too.
So – there you have it – my siblings. Yes, it is pretty sad that I only speak to one of them. Yes, it is pretty sad that it was my Mom that held us together. Yes, it is pretty sad that we don’t spend our holidays together as a family. BUT I have learned that over the years that I really need to get rid of the negative in my life – to be around positive people. I have also learned that there are people walking this earth who have none of my blood running through their veins and they treat me better than the ones who do have my blood running through their veins.
I guess I am writing this because I have been thinking of my Mom a lot lately and she has been in my dreams which I usual don’t remember. I wonder why though the answer could be very simple – either she is preparing me to go or she is saying it is not my time. Either way – is o.k. with me.
*Nothing worth writing about SEH. He is as he usually is every weekend at his family’s vacation home or should I say compound as it really is a fucking compound – a city block or more of ocean front property surrounded by his siblings and their houses…………..geez.
*I succeeded in obtaining a small stash of illegal drugs that will keep me going. Boy, that really deserves its own post too.
*Not a lot of “public me” stuff coming up this week and I am grateful.
*After speaking with a friend this morning who lives on the south shore I believe she is coming up and staying with me next weekend which should be fun and bring me some much-needed friend time.
*What I thought was going to be a short trip to the craft store yesterday turned into an hour and a half – 100 dollars later and some pretty great new supplies for a couple of projects I am hoping to get started on. One of which involves that adorable little 2-year-old boy I was with yesterday and magic wands………………………….