My Addictions

I was born an addict.  It’s in my genes.

I smoked my first cigarette in sixth grade – how old are you in sixth grade – 11?  12?  My first joint was smoked shortly there after.  My first drunk shortly after that.  There wasn’t a drug I wouldn’t try.  My first overdose before I was even out of high school and my first stay in rehab by the time I was 21 but only after I married my drug dealer.  Marriage number 1 lasted less than a year and so did my recovery.

I figured I married my “father” the 2nd time around – someone with a tongue like a knife.   Years of being treated like a dog and being told I was a dog – I came to believe I was a dog.  The only thing that got me through that marriage was drinking and drugs.  I never thought for one second I would be able to make it on my own (because I was told that for years) but “make it” on my own I did and then some.

In 2004 as I was “making it” I was also actively addicted to drugs – mostly opiates in any way, shape or form I could find them.  I decided enough was enough and I needed to get myself out of the mess I got myself into.  With my tail between my legs I walked into my doctor’s office and confessed my addiction sins – ratted myself out.  This becomes part of my permanent medical record – I will be forever known as the “addict.”  Due to my “public me” status which I had recently obtained I secretly saw another doctor who specialized in addictions and I was off the opiates with the help of Suboxone which I was eventually weaned off of.  Suboxone was new back then I was a “guinea pig” so to speak and man oh man I was grateful for that.  I also paid cash for all these doctor’s visits and supply of Suboxone.  My reasoning was two-fold – 1.) the less the insurance companies knew the better and 2.) I was spending outrageous amounts of money on drugs so why not on getting clean.  I was glad to be free of the addiction and glad I wasn’t dope sick.  Anyone who has ever experienced an addiction to opiates knows just how fucking hard it can be do get clean and stay clean.

I quickly learned that programs like AA and NA have absolutely NOTHING to do with being anonymous and a lot to do with God…………..not for me thank you very  much.  Programs like AA and NA – around here anyway – aren’t good for the “public me.”

I know that when some people think of addicts that an image of the “junkie in the street” probably comes to mind.  I am far from that – never have been that image – in addition to being a good junkie I was also very good at hiding it – I always have and I continue to right up to this day.  I continued to “make it” and I continued to remain “clean” for just about six years.   During those six years I was living the good life – so to speak.  I had “made it” more than I ever imagined and I had started a new life.

And then I got sick…………………………………

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2 thoughts on “My Addictions

  1. Little Miss Mess, please do not take this the wrong way….. If you indeed have chosen to let it run its course, then take this as it is meant….. In whatever comes at the close of this life may your next awakening prove to be worth the suffering you have endured in this life….. I wish for you comfort and joy in the days that are ahead…. Do not stop living until living stops you….. and please continue to share the private you that comes with the anonymity afforded us all here….. If I am able to get out tomorrow, this time I will place a reminder for you and hope that your day is brighter

  2. Addictions come in so many sneaky forms. I can relate …. Once again 🙂 Thank you for letting us in.

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