I was born an addict. It’s in my genes.
I smoked my first cigarette in sixth grade – how old are you in sixth grade – 11? 12? My first joint was smoked shortly there after. My first drunk shortly after that. There wasn’t a drug I wouldn’t try. My first overdose before I was even out of high school and my first stay in rehab by the time I was 21 but only after I married my drug dealer. Marriage number 1 lasted less than a year and so did my recovery.
I figured I married my “father” the 2nd time around – someone with a tongue like a knife. Years of being treated like a dog and being told I was a dog – I came to believe I was a dog. The only thing that got me through that marriage was drinking and drugs. I never thought for one second I would be able to make it on my own (because I was told that for years) but “make it” on my own I did and then some.
In 2004 as I was “making it” I was also actively addicted to drugs – mostly opiates in any way, shape or form I could find them. I decided enough was enough and I needed to get myself out of the mess I got myself into. With my tail between my legs I walked into my doctor’s office and confessed my addiction sins – ratted myself out. This becomes part of my permanent medical record – I will be forever known as the “addict.” Due to my “public me” status which I had recently obtained I secretly saw another doctor who specialized in addictions and I was off the opiates with the help of Suboxone which I was eventually weaned off of. Suboxone was new back then I was a “guinea pig” so to speak and man oh man I was grateful for that. I also paid cash for all these doctor’s visits and supply of Suboxone. My reasoning was two-fold – 1.) the less the insurance companies knew the better and 2.) I was spending outrageous amounts of money on drugs so why not on getting clean. I was glad to be free of the addiction and glad I wasn’t dope sick. Anyone who has ever experienced an addiction to opiates knows just how fucking hard it can be do get clean and stay clean.
I quickly learned that programs like AA and NA have absolutely NOTHING to do with being anonymous and a lot to do with God…………..not for me thank you very much. Programs like AA and NA – around here anyway – aren’t good for the “public me.”
I know that when some people think of addicts that an image of the “junkie in the street” probably comes to mind. I am far from that – never have been that image – in addition to being a good junkie I was also very good at hiding it – I always have and I continue to right up to this day. I continued to “make it” and I continued to remain “clean” for just about six years. During those six years I was living the good life – so to speak. I had “made it” more than I ever imagined and I had started a new life.
And then I got sick…………………………………