It’s 5:30 A.M. on a Sunday morning and I am bright-eyed and bushy-tailed with absolutely nothing to do………
In the beginning of the summer of 2010 I started not to feel well. It had all started when one of my knees started to hurt me – really badly. The BFF & I had been doing a lot of hiking and I really didn’t give it much thought until I couldn’t take it anymore and went to see a doctor who referred me to another who took an x-ray who determined I had no cartilage left and I needed to have these synthetic cartilage type shots in my knee (once a week for 3 weeks.) And you would think by the end of the 3rd week life would be good – wrong – oh so wrong.
Next thing you know my shoulder joint starts to hurt me – badly, then my other knee, then my elbows and over a matter of a couple of weeks every single joint in my body was killing me. When I say every joint in my body hurt – I mean every joint – every joint in my fingers – in my hands – in my feet – hips, arms, legs, EVERY joint in body screamed at me. Sleep was unheard of the pain was too great. I would just show up in the doctor’s office without an appointment, sit there and cry until they saw me, I would cry and sob and beg them to find out what was wrong with me. I could barely walk or drive – I could barely move with excruciating pain.
Because the doctors knew of my past addictions I was given a prescription for 800mg Motrin. I was literally eating the Motrin like it was candy. Motrin and a prescription of a pain cream that wasn’t covered by insurance and cost me $1,500.- a tube.
I am sure I looked and acted like a complete mess – a Hot Mess when the doctors saw me which in turn I am sure didn’t help them NOT to think I hadn’t relapsed. I really was a mess. I started to lose weight – I started to lose my hair – I wasn’t able to function properly due to the pain and lack of sleep. I stopped going into work, people started to express their concern – especially when I lost more weight. All the while the doctors thought I was having “drug seeking” behaviors and would not prescribe anything stronger than the Motrin.
I was being tested for everything under the sun – the blood work showed an elevated SED rate and white blood cell count. The SED rate indicates inflammation – well duh – every joint was swollen. Lyme disease, lupus, chronic fatigue syndrome, MS, Fibromyalgia, AIDS – I had more test and blood work done then I can possible list here. And some of these diseases do not have test – it is just a process of elimination. All the while I am in extreme pain and starting to get really pissed with the doctors for not believing me and not helping me with the pain management.
I finally couldn’t take it anymore and made a couple of telephone calls. I started purchasing illegal drugs off the street again. I told the doctors what I was doing and why I was doing it – they still wouldn’t write a prescription for me or offer any help in the pain management area. As I have said before the drugs don’t take the pain away they just make me not give a shit. And not give a shit I did. Even though I could barely walk I just didn’t give a shit. I was putting my “public me” job that I had worked so hard for in jeopardy. I was taking a risk every single time I went into the “seedy” section of town to get drugs. The risk of being arrested, the risk of being rolled or worse.
The summer of 2010 came and went in a blur. We were entering the fall season and I was in pretty rough shape. I stopped going to work and I feared I would lose my job. I wasn’t leaving the house at all with the exception of bringing KK to her various appointments and going to my various doctors appointments. The BFF literally was my savior – checking in on me and bringing me what I needed to survive. My drug connection felt so bad for me (unheard of) that they made deliveries to my house.
More – numerous more doctor’s visits later my doctor official diagnosis was “Rheumatoid Arthritis.” Seriously! What the fuck! “You mean to tell me that literally overnight I have RA in every single joint in my body?” “At my age!?” My doctor shrugged his shoulders at which point I looked him straight in the eye and said, “If that is the case then you have to help me kill myself!”