When I wake up tomorrow morning it will be a new year.
Nichole asked me about SEH and I have to admit it is rather painful for me to talk (or in this case write) about him. As I type SEH is getting ready to ring in the New Year with his wife…….as well he should after all she is his wife. Being as sick as I have been I have not been with SEH in a sexual way for quite some time. I have seen him on several occasions as he has stopped by to bring me soup or flowers or just to sit with me for a little while. He came by the morning before Christmas and before I started going and throwing to drop off my Christmas present. He has called numerous times and depending on how I feel I either don’t answer the phone or if I do I tell him I’m just not feeling well enough for company (which is the truth.)
SEH has asked me to seek treatment – to go the doctors – to fight. He did this only once – once because – when he heard my reply he knew he couldn’t do as I asked. I told him I would if he could sit with me through every doctors appointment – every treatment. I would if he could be here for me, hold my hand and comfort me when I am sick. I would if he could give to me the emotional support I would need to get through it. I would if he could hold me and make me feel safe every night until I fell asleep. He was speechless and I knew he would be. It hurt that he was speechless but I knew he would never be able to do that. In the 13 years I have been SEH’s mistress I never once asked him to leave his wife – his family and I don’t expect him to do it now.
The official last day of my “public me” job is this Friday and I am questioning my decision to leave. I believe I am questioning it because today I feel better than I have in months. But deep in my heart I know it was the right decision – that I will not always feel like this – and I will not have the strength to deal with it. I haven’t given much thought into what I will do for a living. My savings will only carry me for a little while and I know I still have the mind and spirit to do something – it is just what that something is – that I don’t know. I do know – I will be forever grateful to The Chief for believing in me, for giving me the chance of a lifetime and for supporting me. I am going to try my darndest to continue to keep in touch with him and all the great people I have had the opportunity to work with – that is of course except for the media – they can go fuck themselves.
I haven’t been working on any of my projects because I have been so sick. The memory boxes aren’t finished, the hiking sticks still need to be finished painting and my spare room is still a mess. My friendship with the BFF still needs to be mended and there is still some all important paperwork that needs to be done.
But as I get ready to curl up in bed with my IPad I am grateful I feel well enough to spend the day tomorrow with Buddy and hopefully go for a long hike.
I’m still here…………..freshly showered in my new Victoria Secret pajamas thanks to Mini Me’s sister whom I have yet to come up with a cute pseudonym for. I just assumed my normal couch position as I wait for my soup to heat up.
I still don’t feel normal but then again I do not know what “normal” feels like. I haven’t done much of anything for what feels like forever and I just realized today that the New Year will start on Wednesday. It is my hope to be working with Buddy on Wednesday – no plans for me tomorrow night. I am sure I will be watching the back of my eyelids when the majority of the world is ringing in the New Year.
I have 10 voice mails on my cell phone and an unknown number of messages on my house phone. When I am officially no longer working at the “public me” job the house phone will get disconnected. I have been avoiding everything and everyone – Yup, even SEH – I’m good at that.
Absolutely nothing positive to say – absolutely nothing negative to say – I am Switzerland – neutral.
Yesterday = I was looking forward to spending today with that adorable 2-year-old. I spent a good part of the afternoon making a couple of my signature deserts to take over with me and things weren’t bad – until – I started throwing and going around 6:00 p.m. last night and it hasn’t stopped.
Today = I am wrapped in a blanket on the couch begging the powers that be to make me feel better. I am so light-headed I can barely walk never mind drive and even though I don’t care for Christmas I feel pretty sad. It just sucks.
I have been up since 3:30 A.M. unable to sleep once again. I have made a decision that I am venturing out today in hopes of getting my 2-year-old fix. They paid me a surprise visit on Saturday and I made a promise to a 2-year-old that I would see him today. Do 2 year olds remember shit like that? I didn’t think so until his mom Facetime’d me last night and he reminded me. LOL
Anyway in my business all you have is your word and once that is gone – you have nothing. And speaking of business less than 2 weeks until the end of my “public me” job. I know it was the right decision but thinking about it is bumming me out. It is starting to freak me out a little.
I’ve been really light-headed lately and I am trying my best to keep myself hydrated. Really no problem in the eating department – the problem is in the making the food to eat. I received an awesome fruit basket from a business acquaintance this weekend. I will be eating fruit until the New Year. The Chief sent me his annual poinsettia which I handed over to my 2-year-old friend’s mother. Anything in this apartment which requires nurturing usual doesn’t make it with me.
It really is a bad time of year for me – for a lot of people. Never did like the Christmas season. The news is filled with tragic stories of people going crazy, shop lifting, robbing stores, stealing packages off people’s porches, holding their families hostage, fires destroying entire homes – and this is just in the City I live. I am looking forward until it is over. It’s sad……………really.
So, now that it is almost 6:00 A.M. and around the time I might normally be getting up I want nothing more than to go back to bed – figures. Instead I am going to pack up a little day bag with my favorite drinks, IPad and an extra big comfy sweater that I can wrap around myself and spend the day with an incredibly handsome 2-year-old that has me wrapped around his tiny fingers. Never before – in my entire life – has a man had such a hold on me.
No surprise to anyone how sick I have been feeling lately. Along with that sickness comes a whole shit load of self-pity. I can’t tell you the last time I logged onto my Yahoo account but I did this morning and this news story slapped me in the face.
I watched the video and read the article and I balled like a baby but now amazingly enough I feel better after crying and at a time of year when things seem so hectic and our priorities can be fucked up this really was a little food for my sick soul.
Seriously just take 15 minutes out of your fucking day and watch it – if it doesn’t hit a nerve in you then I say you are dead inside.
I haven’t been feeling any better and it really sucks. I have done much of nothing for three days now. I don’t want to go the hospital because I have the feeling I won’t come home. But….. I also know they can probably make me feel better.