I am feeling rather messed up today for lack of better terminology but seriously what else is new. I am trying to pinpoint exactly what the feeling / emotion is and I am having difficulty doing that. So, until I find out I am just going to do a rambling post about nothing in particular.
I use breathe right strips when I sleep – believe it or not they help me breathe better and I seem to get a better nights sleep when I use them. I ran out of them the other day and while out running errands I picked some up. The store I was in didn’t have any of the “regular” kind I typically use – all they had were the new “advanced” kind. I was either too lazy or too tired to go to another store so I purchased the “advanced” ones. First night – good nights sleep but noticed my nose was a little red the next morning when I took it off. Last night – another good nights sleep but man oh man when I took it off this morning I must be having some kind of allergic reaction to whatever adhesive they use because I literally have a bright red shape of the strip on the bridge of my nose along with little red bumps. My nose is definitely swollen and – well – I guess it looks worse than it feels. It hasn’t gotten any better looking since this morning. First thing on my list of things to do today is to find a store that sells the “regular” ones. That is of course if I even drag my ass out of the house today.
Ran into my ex husband the other day. I haven’t seen him in some time. He was actually very nice to me – made me wonder what the fuck was up. The evil ex is not a nice person – very revengeful – very spiteful – and even after all these years he still can’t let things go. Over the course of the years we have been divorced he has dragged my ass back to court so many times for pittaly shit that even the judges are starting to get pissed off. He hasn’t done this is quite some time and it makes me think he is up to something. Pretty sad if you ask me.
I have just been avoiding everyone and everything. I feel like I am sinking deeper and deeper into a depression. There is a part of me that really doesn’t care if I see or speak to another human being again then there is part of me that wants to snap out of this state so badly – wants to enjoy what is left of life – wants to soak in the sunshine (even if it is raining today.) I guess this is normal.
The doctors say the antidepressants should help and I say copping a buzz from the opiates will help more or at least they will make me not give a shit.
I’m missing the BFF and SEH (though I have purposely been avoiding his calls.) I’m not feeling good about myself – my appearance – though that is the last thing I should be concerned about. I’m starting to confuse dates – times and I don’t know if it is just because I stopped caring or what. For crying out loud it is just so fucking depressing just writing about it.
When I was with Buddy the other day I picked up a couple more walking sticks and took them home with me. Something to pass the time – sanding, painting – but even then I am too critical of my work – too hard on myself. I start something and don’t finish it.
I think I am going to put on my boots and jacket and drive to the reservation for a hike in the rain. Or I think I will just sit here and be sad.