When I wake up tomorrow morning it will be a new year.
Nichole asked me about SEH and I have to admit it is rather painful for me to talk (or in this case write) about him. As I type SEH is getting ready to ring in the New Year with his wife…….as well he should after all she is his wife. Being as sick as I have been I have not been with SEH in a sexual way for quite some time. I have seen him on several occasions as he has stopped by to bring me soup or flowers or just to sit with me for a little while. He came by the morning before Christmas and before I started going and throwing to drop off my Christmas present. He has called numerous times and depending on how I feel I either don’t answer the phone or if I do I tell him I’m just not feeling well enough for company (which is the truth.)
SEH has asked me to seek treatment – to go the doctors – to fight. He did this only once – once because – when he heard my reply he knew he couldn’t do as I asked. I told him I would if he could sit with me through every doctors appointment – every treatment. I would if he could be here for me, hold my hand and comfort me when I am sick. I would if he could give to me the emotional support I would need to get through it. I would if he could hold me and make me feel safe every night until I fell asleep. He was speechless and I knew he would be. It hurt that he was speechless but I knew he would never be able to do that. In the 13 years I have been SEH’s mistress I never once asked him to leave his wife – his family and I don’t expect him to do it now.
The official last day of my “public me” job is this Friday and I am questioning my decision to leave. I believe I am questioning it because today I feel better than I have in months. But deep in my heart I know it was the right decision – that I will not always feel like this – and I will not have the strength to deal with it. I haven’t given much thought into what I will do for a living. My savings will only carry me for a little while and I know I still have the mind and spirit to do something – it is just what that something is – that I don’t know. I do know – I will be forever grateful to The Chief for believing in me, for giving me the chance of a lifetime and for supporting me. I am going to try my darndest to continue to keep in touch with him and all the great people I have had the opportunity to work with – that is of course except for the media – they can go fuck themselves.
I haven’t been working on any of my projects because I have been so sick. The memory boxes aren’t finished, the hiking sticks still need to be finished painting and my spare room is still a mess. My friendship with the BFF still needs to be mended and there is still some all important paperwork that needs to be done.
But as I get ready to curl up in bed with my IPad I am grateful I feel well enough to spend the day tomorrow with Buddy and hopefully go for a long hike.