When I wake up tomorrow morning it will be a new year.

Nichole asked me about SEH and I have to admit it is rather painful for me to talk (or in this case write) about him.  As I type SEH is getting ready to ring in the New Year with his wife…….as well he should after all she is his wife.  Being as sick as I have been I have not been with SEH in a sexual way for quite some time.  I have seen him on several occasions as he has stopped by to bring me soup or flowers or just to sit with me for a little while.  He came by the morning before Christmas and before I started going and throwing to drop off my Christmas present.  He has called numerous times and depending on how I feel I either don’t answer the phone or if I do I tell him I’m just not feeling well enough for company (which is the truth.)

SEH has asked me to seek treatment – to go the doctors – to fight.  He did this only once – once because – when he heard my reply he knew he couldn’t do as I asked.  I told him I would if he could sit with me through every doctors appointment – every treatment.  I would if he could be here for me,  hold my hand and comfort me when I am sick.  I would if he could give to me the emotional support I would need to get through it.  I would if he could hold me and make me feel safe every night until I fell asleep.  He was speechless and I knew he would be.  It hurt that he was speechless but I knew he would never be able to do that.  In the 13 years I have been SEH’s mistress I never once asked him to leave his wife – his family and I don’t expect him to do it now.

The official last day of my “public me” job is this Friday and I am questioning my decision to leave.  I believe I am questioning it because today I feel better than I have in months.  But deep in my heart I know it was the right decision – that I will not always feel like this – and I will not have the strength to deal with it.  I haven’t given much thought into what I will do for a living.  My savings will only carry me for a little while and I know I still have the mind and spirit to do something – it is just what that something is – that I don’t know.  I do know – I will be forever grateful to The Chief for believing in me, for giving me the chance of a lifetime and for supporting me.  I am going to try my darndest to continue to keep in touch with him and all the great people I have had the opportunity to work with – that is of course except for the media – they can go fuck themselves.

I haven’t been working on any of my projects because I have been so sick.  The memory boxes aren’t finished, the hiking sticks still need to be finished painting and my spare room is still a mess.  My friendship with the BFF still needs to be mended and there is still some all important paperwork that needs to be done.

But as I get ready to curl up in bed with my IPad I am grateful I feel well enough to spend the day tomorrow with Buddy and hopefully go for a long hike.

Good-bye 2013.


5 thoughts on “2014

  1. I pray that you find what you are looking for and healing. Thanks for responding. I probably should not have asked…didn’t mean to cause the pain to surface. Much love and happy new year hot mess!

    • It is o.k. Nichole I am glad you asked. It is just hard for me – sometimes – to come up with the words to properly describe SEH and our relationship. I should not have been surprised by his reaction……….it is what it is.

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