Spoke Too Soon…………..

3:00 A.M. and wide awake – I guess I spoke too soon.  Then again I feel asleep last night way too early and when I awoke not to long ago I just had too much on my mind to go back to sleep.  Today is my day with Buddy so I think I am not going to force the sleep issue and just go with the flow.  The only thing I would like is if the rest of the world was open 24 hours a day so just maybe I could get something accomplished this early in the morning.

This coffee taste unbelievably delicious.

So – what my mind is going crazy thinking about is a call I received from the Chief yesterday – with a job offer.  Though ultimately the job would still be with the Chief – I wouldn’t be reporting to him as I have in the past and the job is considered part-time at 20 hours a week.  I wouldn’t even be located in the same building as him.  He said it is pretty flexible and he thinks I would be great at it.  I have an informal interview off site tomorrow with the woman I would be reporting to.  I know her – I know her well from my years with the Chief and we are going to talk over some of the details.

There are several things that are weighing heavy on my mind.

I don’t think I ever mentioned this here but the Chief and SEH are friends – close friends though I firmly believe the Chief has absolutely no idea of my relationship with SEH.  They both know about my health – SEH more than the Chief.  I know that SEH is concerned about how long I will be able to survive without an income and both also know that the stress and demand that was put on me by my other job with the Chief was taking its toll on my mind and body.  I believe that by offering me this job – knowing it is half the time or less, than I worked before – knowing it is less stressful and very flexible – that is it their way of taking care of me.  Their way of showing me their friendship – their support.  Makes me wonder if they have put their heads together somehow and well – came up with this.

I wasn’t planning on even starting to look for a job this soon and I wasn’t too concerned about how long I could go without a salary.  Damn I don’t even know how long I will be around.  The salary is way more than I would have expected – again – I think their way of taking care of me.  I also know this might be SEH’s way of keeping me around – so to speak.  As I have said in a previous post this is the first time in a long time I can go and / or do anything I want – even move – possibly out of state.  At the end of the conversation the Chief says “Hey, no harm in meeting with her and if you like what she says we go through the motions, get a drug test and we work up a letter of agreement.”  SAY WHAT…………drug test?!?

HOLY FUCK!  I never even thought of that.  Ten years ago – over ten years ago – when I first started working for the Chief drug testing wasn’t mandatory.  There is no way I would pass a drug test today!  Though the doctor would provide me with a letter for what drugs are prescribed there is no way I can account for the ones that aren’t.  OH FUCK.

So – what do I do?  I will have the meeting tomorrow with this person – I will listen to what she has to say – but I have no idea what the fuck I will do.  DRUG TEST………………..HOLY FUCK……………….did I say that already.

One of the great things about this is – even though I planned on continuing my work with Buddy – it was something that was started when I was working for the Chief.  He is big on volunteering – on his dime – he encouraged all his employees to volunteer somehow – be it working with kids in schools, on a Big Brother / Big Sister type thing or in my case with Buddy.

Oh geez – what to do – what to do.

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5 thoughts on “Spoke Too Soon…………..

  1. My opinion, cuz I know you asked…;) …and I’m a perfect stranger, so you’re obviously free to ignore!! but just from what I’ve seen in your blog (just found you the other day) you seem to be intelligent…though lost in many regards. I can’t imagine what your life must be like for you. But I CAN say that working…having a purpose outside of getting up for the day…can be a motivating factor when there seems to be NO OTHER MOTIVATIONS for anything! One post you wrote struck me on this point more than any others…the day you got up and “dressed like your “public self” to go out and about” and when you returned you felt more positive than you had in a long time. I could read the cheer in your words. The “high” you can get from those good endorphins over the ones the drugs induce can be even more fulfilling and intoxicating – without the painful “crash” afterwards. I say “GO FOR IT”!! You have someone offering you (an intelligent woman) a lucrative job with little commitment (20 hours?!) – how can you say no to your brain wanting stimulation and your pocketbook needing replenishment? 😉 Hope to hear your meeting with the woman goes well…BEST OF LUCK!!

  2. This is a tough one. Not knowing what the status of your prescribed to non-prescribed ratio, it’s difficult to give any advice.

  3. It’s great that you got a job offer!. I don’t have any way of knowing what you should do about the other stuff, though. Worst case scenario, you don’t get the job but get good practice for when you’re ready to be more serious about looking.

  4. Oh little Muse……. If you want it, hundreds of ways to pass a piss test most can be found at the local tobacco shop. ?..uh smoke shop….. anyways as far as taking the job, well maybe do but maybe a little time for yourself say week or so, get to feeling better and then 20 hrs a week can’t be that bad….. Maybe talk to your doctor decide if the time you have left if you choose no treatment is enough time to also entertain another job or not. That’s a tough one for me, the decision I see is not whether to take the job but whether or not I need to work based on my decision to fight a fight I know won’t be easy and will most definitely suck huge fat balls and has pretty good odds in the end I won’t win. Not to sound to gloomy just going of what you have shared. Besides I think most of the time you and at least one other person that lurks these blogs understands my logic, I think…… so that all being said your decision is yours and yours alone, I wouldn’t even venture a guess how my dark mind would handle being told the news you have been told….I like reading what you have to say I like your pictures I love the fact that you curse like a sailor, I will miss them all when our time is finished, until that day comes I will look for every update knowing full well that whatever comes next will be a decision that only you can make and as my friend I will always respect your decisions, whether I agree or not I will respect them……
    shade and Sweetwater to you friend, tell Buddy Arizona says hello.

  5. God takes care of us. Sounds to me this is just what you need. I say start detoxing on the illegal drugs now just in case this job turns out to be something amazing. In any case maybe its just preparing you mentally and physically for something even better. Good luck hot mess. Praying for you girl.

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