A Little Bit of This – A Little Bit of That

Yup – you guessed it.  Usual position – freshly showered – in my favorite pair of VS pjs – sipping on a cup of the best green tea I have ever tasted.  I’m usual not a tea person but I’m trying to be a little healthier in my life choices (coughs, laughs, and almost spits out tea at the thought of healthy.)

I mask my pain, my struggles, my problems with laughter – with humor.  I always have – ever since I can remember.  I remember when I was in High School and my Grandmother passed away – I remember sitting in the funeral home laughing my ass off.  And it wasn’t just me – two of my sisters and I were tucked away in a corner – laughing – joking – and when I say laughing I mean the type of laughter that is uncontrollable and you laugh so hard that tears stream down your face.  I also mask my pain, my struggles and problems with drugs.  Again as far back as I can remember – drugs never take the struggles, pain and problems away they just make me not give a shit.  Of course it’s wrong – every person needs to learn how to deal with the pain, the struggles, the problems in a healthy way.  It was just something I was never taught.   Is it something parents are supposed to teach children?  I don’t know!

I am not a religious person but I consider myself to be spiritual.  I  believe in miracles.  I believe in staying away from negative people and negative situations.  I treat people they way I would want to be treated.  Sometimes people mistake my kindness as a weakness and try to take advantage of me.  I believe everyone – absolutely everyone deserves respect.  I find comfort in being grateful – I try to be grateful for what I have.  I don’t live in a mansion, I don’t drive a fancy sports car, I don’t wear designer clothes – o.k. o.k. some of them are designer thanks to Mini Me.  Sometimes I have to remind myself to be grateful.  It can be difficult.  I mean – come on now – I’m fucking dying.   I don’t know how long I have – I don’t know what tomorrow will bring – I could go to bed tonight and not wake up tomorrow.  So sometimes trying to be a grateful person can be difficult.  But I NEVER – EVER – EVER lose hope.  I always have hope for what tomorrow might bring.   I’m going to try to make a mark on this great big earth while I am here………..damn it.

I am also a very realistic person and I know that there might come a time when the doctors say “this is it” and though thoughts of suicide have entered my mind I will more than likely just asked them to keep me as pain-free as possible – maybe a little too comfortable if you know what I mean.  It hasn’t been easy – some of my doctors don’t agree with my choice – my decision and I leave their office frustrated and sad with a “How dare they attitude.  It’s my life – it’s my body attitude.”  “It’s not you who is going through this it is me attitude.”

I don’t even know where the fuck I am going with this post. – No fuckin clue – damn it.  I guess maybe I just want some people not to give up hope – to tell them I admire the deep commitment and love they have.  To tell them to always have hope.  There is always someone out there that can help them.

On another note – we are expecting another snow storm sometime tomorrow.  What kills me is the snow prediction is  4 to 10 inches…………..are you kidding me?  There is a huge difference between 4 inches and 10 inches – of snow – get your minds out of the gutter.  HAHAHA.  Today I dropped off 34 pounds of motherfucking laundry that I haven’t done in a month.  34 pounds!  34 pounds is a lot of laundry – a lot.   So, I let someone else wash, dry and fold it.  Geez, I can be lazy sometimes.  I also picked up my prescriptions just in case we do get those 10 inches.  I just finished a bowl of the leftover 3 bean turkey chili I made yesterday when I was watching the two teams I wanted to win – lose.  Oh well – we can’t win every major sporting event every year – HAHAHA.

I am hoping to go back to the same trail with Buddy on Wednesday but the snow might put a damper on that plan.  Hiking in the snow is great but it is when it turns to ice that makes it tricky – I need ice cleats.  And true to form with my addictive personality I am now addictive to a couple shows on the National Geographic Channel.  I absolutely feel in love with the Legend of Mick Dodge and Ultimate Survival Alaska.  I can’t believe I just said that.  You all know how I feel about the idiot box.

Sleep tight and sweet dreams.

2 thoughts on “A Little Bit of This – A Little Bit of That

  1. Thank you friend. ……I will always remember little miss Muse. …..Fyi there are tears in my eyes, dry tears but I wanted to cry. ….. And a second note Arizona my part of it anyway was a chilly 84° with a bright sun… ultimate survival Alaska is pretty cool I wish I could watch it

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