My anxiety is high today. I feel the defense mechanisms kicking in. I wish I had better coping skills. I wish I could express myself better. I wish I had someone to take care of me. For some reason it has always been important to show people I am strong – that I can do anything and don’t need anyone. I wish I could trust people.
I remember when I was being discharged from the hospital and I needed someone to take me home. The hospital wasn’t going to let me hop in a cab by myself even though I was trying hard to convince them otherwise. I remember the look of pity of their faces when I told them I didn’t have anyone. I remember scanning through my cell phone looking for options. And how very fuckin sad it was when I had to call someone with whom I hadn’t spoken to in some time and ask them if they could do me the favor of driving me home. And I remember this person doing it – along with taking me to have my prescriptions filled, walking me up the stairs, getting me into bed, the awkward silence between us – me wishing it would just end.
I wish I wasn’t so messed up. I wish I had faith. I wish I was stronger. I wish………………………………………………….
It is raining and every once in a while the thunder makes me jump. It is so dark in my apartment it seems like it could be evening instead of morning. I slept 10 hours last night and didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t have to – no responsibilities today – but I did. I can tell my body is starting to fail me and though this is what I want it does scare me a little. It’s weird because I have this “time frame” in my head and now is not the time but maybe this is how it will start. As much as I adore my solitude I am starting to get lonely.
I think of SEH and how is at his vacation home with his family on this holiday weekend as he is every weekend and after over a decade I should be use to it and I have no idea why it is bothering me. I think back to a time – a couple years ago – when I was in the hospital and my future was unknown at the time. Having major surgery two day before Thanksgiving – spending a week recovering in the hospital – down to skin and bones – worrying about my late sister at the time who was in another hospital fighting her own battle. I think about the times I woke up from my IV drug induced sleep to see SEH sitting there – a worried look on his face. Was I dreaming it? Was he really there? And he had been – more than once. And I wonder how he managed these visits – what lie he told his wife. For certainly he wasn’t telling her, “I’m going to visit my mistress who could be on her death bed.” and if he could get away then why can’t he get away now. Why is this bothering me so much?
Every morning I take a fist full of vitamins and numerous prescription drugs and today I took some that weren’t prescribed. Like “HollowRoseHeart” says “I will try again tomorrow.” Or maybe I won’t. I honestly don’t know. The tears won’t stop – and I just keep thinking how badly I can fuck up my life and make it look easy.
I can not turn back time as much as I wish I could sometimes. So today – right now – I am going to light some candles, take a shower, get my sorry ass dressed, pick up my apartment and smoke lots of cigarettes.
I got a lot of work done today & it felt good. I turn my phones on and returned calls & it felt good. I had a visit from SEH (Someone Else’s Husband with whom I have been having an affair for over a decade) DID NOT have sex with him & it felt good. I even painted which I haven’t done in a while & it felt good. I also did drugs today & yes it felt good.
AWAKE! Yesterday was a totally waste of life. Called it a night early because sleep has become my only means of escape. Only to have the hardwired fire alarm go off at 2:45 a.m. – seriously! And it blasted for a good 15 minutes before the fire department came and shut it off.
AWAKE! I wonder if I will turn my phones on today and listen to my messages. I wonder if anyone really cares. I do have work to do but no motivation to do it.
AWAKE! I don’t feel good. I wonder if it is the LACK of drugs I have been doing or allergies. Probably both – fuck! I just want to feel better.
I’m a mess.
Grateful the sun is NOT shining.
Shut both phones off.
Feel like shit!
Made some breakfast.
Lounging on the couch.
Watching the idiot box.
Wishing I had a fix……………….a fix……………….a fix to fix my life.
Awake! But I don’t remember falling asleep – blacked out. I may do a lot of drugs but I very rarely drink alcohol. I did last night. Shit! I don’t remember. Shit! And I guess I am a little hungover. Just a little. Shit! I want to go back to sleep – and not wake up.
You guessed it………….I woke up. Wednesday is the only day of the week I have to get up to an alarm. Wednesday is the only day I have to think of someone else other than me. Wednesday is the only day that really is a crap shoot – It will either be a good day or a bad day and it is not up to me.
- That the majority of the time a man’s car is an extension of his penis.
- You become a police officer for one of two reasons. You either have a sincere want to help people or you were picked on when you were a kid and now you are going to get revenge. I believe the majority fall into the latter category.
- In living simply.
- I spend way too much money on drugs.
- If there wasn’t addictions to drugs and alcohol that our nation’s jails and prisons would be next to empty. That 95% (maybe even higher) of the crimes are committed by people who are either under the influence or they are looking for money to purchase drugs or alcohol.
- In blending in.
- My body is slowly failing me and I wish it would hurry up.
- Some people feel so righteous about something that they totally close their minds to the thought there might be another way to do something.
- That if my house is an order than my life will be in order and that can’t be further from the truth.