Without a doubt my favorite version of this song.
Though I am trying my best to maintain one I just haven’t had a good attitude lately. The pain in my shoulders, neck and arms has been coming and going and more often than not it is in the coming stages. My motto lately has been “suck it up princess” and that is what I have been trying to do.
Friends of mine were visiting from New York and as I was saying good-bye to them last night I got emotional. Emotional because I didn’t know if I would be able to make my annual trek there on Mother’s Day weekend as I have for the past 6 years. Emotional because it was the first time – even though he is 6 months old – I got to meet the newest addition to their family. I was scheduled to visit them this past Summer but due to obligation in the “public me” job and not feeling up to par I just couldn’t make it. It was really good to see them – to laugh as hard as I did and to hug them tight.
Superbowl Sunday and for the first time in a long time I have no desire to even watch – no favorite team – could care less. I’m thinking of holding off on my errand running today until 6:00 P.M. and hope all the stores will be empty because the rest of the world will be home watching it. The damn groundhog saw his shadow and the silly guys dressed in funny suits say six more weeks of winter – funny – considering the weather man told me about 3 hours before the damn hog saw his shadow that the next major storm is scheduled for Wednesday with up to 10 inches of heavy snow…….ugh.
I am thinking of giving Buddy’s mom a call to see how he is doing. I’ve been wanting to call since I got home on Wednesday but she made me feel so bad last week that I am not looking forward to the conversation. As awful as this sounds I wanted to break her arm – all she did was complain – she really had the “poor me’s” and no “poor Buddy’s” – it’s sad really. Imagine being so self-absorbed that you feel more sorry for yourself than your son who just broke his arm.
This is how my day started – hiking in one of my all time favorite places with Buddy.
This is how my day ended – spending the afternoon in the Emergency Room while they take care of Buddy’s broken arm. He slipped and fell on the ice. I feel extremely horrible that this happened on my watch. And the photos below are the things we saw in between.
It’s a cloudy, cold, chance of snow type day and as always I am in my usual position – still in my pjs – sipping on a seltzer water and looking for motivation. I have none. It is almost noon on a Saturday and I haven’t done a productive thing since I got out of bed at 7:30 this morning. Lately I have been feeling like I am just existing not living and I don’t like that feeling. I need to do something that makes me feel like I am living.
Like my walking sticks that sit in various stages of dress as I refer to it – I too feel like I am in various states of dress. I want to go out but the cold is getting to me. I want to stick my face in the sun but it is cloudy. I want to paint but my wrist are killing me. I think you get the picture.
I guess you could say I am not myself. Nope – not feeling like myself at all. I need another attitude adjustment. Oh fucking well…………………..what’s a gal to do.
What a difference a week makes. Thankfully we didn’t get as much snow as they were predicting but it was bitterly cold today with a wind chill factor of about minus 5. Brrrrrrrrrr!
I am also very thankful to be home, freshly showered and painting.
That’s all there is folks. Stay warm.
Yup – you guessed it. Usual position – freshly showered – in my favorite pair of VS pjs – sipping on a cup of the best green tea I have ever tasted. I’m usual not a tea person but I’m trying to be a little healthier in my life choices (coughs, laughs, and almost spits out tea at the thought of healthy.)
I mask my pain, my struggles, my problems with laughter – with humor. I always have – ever since I can remember. I remember when I was in High School and my Grandmother passed away – I remember sitting in the funeral home laughing my ass off. And it wasn’t just me – two of my sisters and I were tucked away in a corner – laughing – joking – and when I say laughing I mean the type of laughter that is uncontrollable and you laugh so hard that tears stream down your face. I also mask my pain, my struggles and problems with drugs. Again as far back as I can remember – drugs never take the struggles, pain and problems away they just make me not give a shit. Of course it’s wrong – every person needs to learn how to deal with the pain, the struggles, the problems in a healthy way. It was just something I was never taught. Is it something parents are supposed to teach children? I don’t know!
I am not a religious person but I consider myself to be spiritual. I believe in miracles. I believe in staying away from negative people and negative situations. I treat people they way I would want to be treated. Sometimes people mistake my kindness as a weakness and try to take advantage of me. I believe everyone – absolutely everyone deserves respect. I find comfort in being grateful – I try to be grateful for what I have. I don’t live in a mansion, I don’t drive a fancy sports car, I don’t wear designer clothes – o.k. o.k. some of them are designer thanks to Mini Me. Sometimes I have to remind myself to be grateful. It can be difficult. I mean – come on now – I’m fucking dying. I don’t know how long I have – I don’t know what tomorrow will bring – I could go to bed tonight and not wake up tomorrow. So sometimes trying to be a grateful person can be difficult. But I NEVER – EVER – EVER lose hope. I always have hope for what tomorrow might bring. I’m going to try to make a mark on this great big earth while I am here………..damn it.
I am also a very realistic person and I know that there might come a time when the doctors say “this is it” and though thoughts of suicide have entered my mind I will more than likely just asked them to keep me as pain-free as possible – maybe a little too comfortable if you know what I mean. It hasn’t been easy – some of my doctors don’t agree with my choice – my decision and I leave their office frustrated and sad with a “How dare they attitude. It’s my life – it’s my body attitude.” “It’s not you who is going through this it is me attitude.”
I don’t even know where the fuck I am going with this post. – No fuckin clue – damn it. I guess maybe I just want some people not to give up hope – to tell them I admire the deep commitment and love they have. To tell them to always have hope. There is always someone out there that can help them.
On another note – we are expecting another snow storm sometime tomorrow. What kills me is the snow prediction is 4 to 10 inches…………..are you kidding me? There is a huge difference between 4 inches and 10 inches – of snow – get your minds out of the gutter. HAHAHA. Today I dropped off 34 pounds of motherfucking laundry that I haven’t done in a month. 34 pounds! 34 pounds is a lot of laundry – a lot. So, I let someone else wash, dry and fold it. Geez, I can be lazy sometimes. I also picked up my prescriptions just in case we do get those 10 inches. I just finished a bowl of the leftover 3 bean turkey chili I made yesterday when I was watching the two teams I wanted to win – lose. Oh well – we can’t win every major sporting event every year – HAHAHA.
I am hoping to go back to the same trail with Buddy on Wednesday but the snow might put a damper on that plan. Hiking in the snow is great but it is when it turns to ice that makes it tricky – I need ice cleats. And true to form with my addictive personality I am now addictive to a couple shows on the National Geographic Channel. I absolutely feel in love with the Legend of Mick Dodge and Ultimate Survival Alaska. I can’t believe I just said that. You all know how I feel about the idiot box.
Sleep tight and sweet dreams.
Oh my goodness you guessed it. I’m awake and in my usual position. Really it is a miracle when I wake up in the morning but the days I wish I didn’t are increasing. Just to maintain a body (never mind a soul) that is slowly failing is getting exhausting. No one teaches you how to die. It’s like when you have a child – they don’t hand you a manual when you are leaving the hospital that tells you everything that will happen to your child and what you should handle it.
Not too long ago I had lunch with the wife of a man who made a big impact in my life when I was a teenager. He was the owner and CEO of the very first company I worked for. I started part-time when I was in high school and he was probably the most stand up guy I have ever met. I was sadden to here he had passed away about a year ago – sadden because I would have made an effort to contact his family sooner – instead I typed out a 3 page letter to his now widow and told her how he impacted my life and how all these years later I still tell the story when the situation warrants it. I was both happy and surprised when his widow called me and invited me to lunch. I always thought she was a wonderful woman and the lunch just proved that to me all the more.
We met at a local restaurant and she looked exactly like I remembered her. I don’t know – for some reason I expect a little old lady using a cane to walk in but that didn’t happen. When she walked in – she looked the same – Father Time had been good to her. She told me she was so touched by my letter that she was going to include it in the book she was writing. What? Wait. What book? She told me that her late husband left this world on his terms – how he spent his last days – how she and her family supported him and she was writing a book about it and thinking of calling it something along the lines of “Dying with Dignity” or grace. By the time she finished talking, finished telling me about this, tears were streaming down my face and I was sobbing so badly and just like I remember her being – she was so calming – so motherly – so beautiful and we talked for hours. I left there feeling better – it was as if she transferred her calming demeanor to me. What a truly amazing woman she is. The story she told me really was so wonderful and I really hope she does write that book. I think it would be a best seller.
This morning when I woke up I wasn’t feeling all that great and yesterday I napped for the first time in a while. It’s like my body is going through these peaks and valleys and right now I seem to be headed down into a valley. Have you ever noticed I write more when I am not feeling well – I just did. It’s raining today (I also write more when it is raining out) and I have no plans this weekend other than to watch an important football game tomorrow and maybe work on the walking sticks. I found this one this past Wednesday when I was with Buddy. It’s too beautiful to paint so I cleaned it up, sanded the shit out of it and have put 5 coats of polyurethane on it so far. I love its shape – the knob (or whatever it is called) on what will be the top of it – the palm of someone’s hand fits nicely resting there. I don’t even know what kind of wood it is. And I have to give Buddy all the credit for spotting it – just when I thinking he was pretty “out of it” that day he up and points to it……..love that guy.
Someone sent me this article entitled “Midwives for the Dying” and I found it fascinating. The women who sent it to me is a relative of the BFF. Probably 5 years ago I remember her talking about this and saying there was a need for it and I didn’t pay too much attention – Now I am.