Yup, I woke up again today. It’s cloudy rainy day! I love rainy days! I am barely awake with one cup of coffee under my belt wrapped in a soft blanket snuggled up on the couch wishing I didn’t have to put the “public me” on today. It’s so exhausting – but I have already told you that. I’m thinking I’ll just nod back off to sleep right here on the couch. I love sleep!
I’m not feeling very well but I am not sure if it is from the cancer, the allergies, the anxiety or the fact that the non prescription drugs have not kicked in yet. I took my prescribed drugs this morning but didn’t take the vitamins – I’m wondering if they really do make a difference. I did take my A.D.D. medication plus a little non prescribed drugs that usually help. As I have said before the drugs don’t take the pain away they just make me not give a shit.
I never did finish that project I had to have done by this morning. It’s going to be real interesting when I file for an extension. I have decided I just don’t give a fuck.
I did nothing but what I absolutely had to this past weekend – then again it’s been like that for some time now. Only doing what really has to be done – minimal survival needs – and then again I am barely surviving. Not living – just existing – not living – just surviving – not living – just just just…………………………
I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and I am wondering like the vitamins I take if it will really make a difference. I am sure he will want to switch up some medications – try to make me feel better. He means well but he also knows I don’t want to fight it.
I’m feeling alone – so very much alone. I’m feeling sad – so very sad. I’m feeling scared – just a little scared. It’s o.k. not to know what the future holds – it’s o.k. to live one day at a time.
I actually did something yesterday that I consider to be pretty funny though you might think it pathetic. I was getting ready to put on the “public me” and all I had to do was go to the laundromat. Something I had to do if I wanted clean clothes. I use to just drop my laundry off and have them wash, dry & fold it for me. Drop it off and come back at another time because I was always busy. I always felt my time could be better used than sitting in a laundromat. I certainly don’t feel that way now.
So, yesterday while I was getting ready I decided I would dress like I was going to a “public business luncheon” me and not a “public do your laundry” me – showered, did my hair, put on a black dress and new black saddles, earrings, makeup, switched handbags – really took my time and it actually felt good to look good and know I didn’t have to impress anyone. I loaded up my car and off to the laundromat I went looking very much like the “public me.” And I did my laundry while all dolled up and I sat outside at a cafe next door, smoking cigarettes, flipping through old magazines left behind by others, sipping a non alcoholic beverage, flirting shamelessly with some stranger – all the while checking on my laundry, switching machines, folding. Then I was done – and with my freshly washed, dried and folded laundry I headed home. I wasn’t exhausted like I normally am when I come home from the “public me” – I felt good.
As strange as someone reading this might think it is – this is a big deal for me. To go out in public knowing I didn’t have to impress someone – I didn’t have to choice my words wisely, didn’t have to fake a smile, didn’t have to make sure my ankles where crossed when I sat down. That it was o.k. to get dressed up as I do for the “public me” and do something that not too long ago I would of considered mundane – a waste of time. This “chore” was not a “chore” – doing my laundry, looking good and not being exhausted after – priceless.
While I have been typing the drugs have kicked in and I am a bit more awake. I have to start doing the things necessary to be the “public me” soon and head out for a day that won’t be like “doing laundry” – it will be more like the “Average Exhaustion” I feel in this post.
A Hot Mess 