Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

My walking sticks in various states of dress.

It’s a cloudy, cold, chance of snow type day and as always I am in my usual position – still in my pjs – sipping on a seltzer water and looking for motivation.  I have none.  It is almost noon on a Saturday and I haven’t done a productive thing since I got out of bed at 7:30 this morning.  Lately I have been feeling like I am just existing not living and I don’t like that feeling.  I need to do something that makes me feel like I am living.

Like my walking sticks that sit in various stages of dress as I refer to it – I too feel like I am in various states of dress.  I want to go out but the cold is getting to me.  I want to stick my face in the sun but it is cloudy.  I want to paint but my wrist are killing me.  I think you get the picture.

Yup that’s me kayaking with the BFF the summer before last.

I guess you could say I am not myself.  Nope – not feeling like myself at all.  I need another attitude adjustment.  Oh fucking well…………………..what’s a gal to do.

The Post With No Name

What a difference a week makes.

My latest painting………..

What a difference a week makes.  Thankfully we didn’t get as much snow as they were predicting but it was bitterly cold today with a wind chill factor of about minus 5.  Brrrrrrrrrr!

I am also very thankful to be home, freshly showered and painting.

That’s all there is folks.  Stay warm.

A Little Bit of This – A Little Bit of That

Yup – you guessed it.  Usual position – freshly showered – in my favorite pair of VS pjs – sipping on a cup of the best green tea I have ever tasted.  I’m usual not a tea person but I’m trying to be a little healthier in my life choices (coughs, laughs, and almost spits out tea at the thought of healthy.)

I mask my pain, my struggles, my problems with laughter – with humor.  I always have – ever since I can remember.  I remember when I was in High School and my Grandmother passed away – I remember sitting in the funeral home laughing my ass off.  And it wasn’t just me – two of my sisters and I were tucked away in a corner – laughing – joking – and when I say laughing I mean the type of laughter that is uncontrollable and you laugh so hard that tears stream down your face.  I also mask my pain, my struggles and problems with drugs.  Again as far back as I can remember – drugs never take the struggles, pain and problems away they just make me not give a shit.  Of course it’s wrong – every person needs to learn how to deal with the pain, the struggles, the problems in a healthy way.  It was just something I was never taught.   Is it something parents are supposed to teach children?  I don’t know!

I am not a religious person but I consider myself to be spiritual.  I  believe in miracles.  I believe in staying away from negative people and negative situations.  I treat people they way I would want to be treated.  Sometimes people mistake my kindness as a weakness and try to take advantage of me.  I believe everyone – absolutely everyone deserves respect.  I find comfort in being grateful – I try to be grateful for what I have.  I don’t live in a mansion, I don’t drive a fancy sports car, I don’t wear designer clothes – o.k. o.k. some of them are designer thanks to Mini Me.  Sometimes I have to remind myself to be grateful.  It can be difficult.  I mean – come on now – I’m fucking dying.   I don’t know how long I have – I don’t know what tomorrow will bring – I could go to bed tonight and not wake up tomorrow.  So sometimes trying to be a grateful person can be difficult.  But I NEVER – EVER – EVER lose hope.  I always have hope for what tomorrow might bring.   I’m going to try to make a mark on this great big earth while I am here………..damn it.

I am also a very realistic person and I know that there might come a time when the doctors say “this is it” and though thoughts of suicide have entered my mind I will more than likely just asked them to keep me as pain-free as possible – maybe a little too comfortable if you know what I mean.  It hasn’t been easy – some of my doctors don’t agree with my choice – my decision and I leave their office frustrated and sad with a “How dare they attitude.  It’s my life – it’s my body attitude.”  “It’s not you who is going through this it is me attitude.”

I don’t even know where the fuck I am going with this post. – No fuckin clue – damn it.  I guess maybe I just want some people not to give up hope – to tell them I admire the deep commitment and love they have.  To tell them to always have hope.  There is always someone out there that can help them.

On another note – we are expecting another snow storm sometime tomorrow.  What kills me is the snow prediction is  4 to 10 inches…………..are you kidding me?  There is a huge difference between 4 inches and 10 inches – of snow – get your minds out of the gutter.  HAHAHA.  Today I dropped off 34 pounds of motherfucking laundry that I haven’t done in a month.  34 pounds!  34 pounds is a lot of laundry – a lot.   So, I let someone else wash, dry and fold it.  Geez, I can be lazy sometimes.  I also picked up my prescriptions just in case we do get those 10 inches.  I just finished a bowl of the leftover 3 bean turkey chili I made yesterday when I was watching the two teams I wanted to win – lose.  Oh well – we can’t win every major sporting event every year – HAHAHA.

I am hoping to go back to the same trail with Buddy on Wednesday but the snow might put a damper on that plan.  Hiking in the snow is great but it is when it turns to ice that makes it tricky – I need ice cleats.  And true to form with my addictive personality I am now addictive to a couple shows on the National Geographic Channel.  I absolutely feel in love with the Legend of Mick Dodge and Ultimate Survival Alaska.  I can’t believe I just said that.  You all know how I feel about the idiot box.

Sleep tight and sweet dreams.

Happy Saturday

Oh my goodness you guessed it.  I’m awake and in my usual position.  Really it is a miracle when I wake up in the morning but the days I wish I didn’t are increasing.  Just to maintain a body (never mind a soul) that is slowly failing is getting exhausting.  No one teaches you how to die.  It’s like when you have a child – they don’t hand you a manual when you are leaving the hospital that tells you everything that will happen to your child and what you should handle it.

Not too long ago I had lunch with the wife of a man who made a big impact in my life when I was a teenager.  He was the owner and CEO of the very first company I worked for.  I started part-time when I was in high school and he was probably the most stand up guy I have ever met.  I was sadden to here he had passed away about a year ago – sadden because I would have made an effort to contact his family sooner – instead I typed out a 3 page letter to his now widow and told her how he impacted my life and how all these years later I still tell the story when the situation warrants it.  I was both happy and surprised when his widow called me and invited me to lunch.  I always thought she was a wonderful woman and the lunch just proved that to me all the more.

We met at a local restaurant and she looked exactly like I remembered her.  I don’t know – for some reason I expect a little old lady using a cane to walk in but that didn’t happen.  When she walked in – she looked the same – Father Time had been good to her.  She told me she was so touched by my letter that she was going to include it in the book she was writing.  What?  Wait.  What book?  She told me that her late husband left this world on his terms – how he spent his last days – how she and her family supported him and she was writing a book about it and thinking of calling it something along the lines of “Dying with Dignity” or grace.  By the time she finished talking, finished telling me about this, tears were streaming down my face and I was sobbing so badly and just like I remember her being – she was so calming – so motherly – so beautiful and we talked for hours.  I left there feeling better – it was as if she transferred her calming demeanor to me.  What a truly amazing woman she is.  The story she told me really was so wonderful and I really hope she does write that book.  I think it would be a best seller. 

This morning when I woke up I wasn’t feeling all that great and yesterday I napped for the first time in a while.  It’s like my body is going through these peaks and valleys and right now I seem to be headed down into a valley.  Have you ever noticed I write more when I am not feeling well – I just did.  It’s raining today (I also write more when it is raining out) and I have no plans this weekend other than to watch an important football game tomorrow and maybe work on the walking sticks.   I found this one this past Wednesday when I was with Buddy.  It’s too beautiful to paint so I cleaned it up, sanded the shit out of it and have put 5 coats of polyurethane on it so far.  I love its shape – the knob (or whatever it is called) on what will be the top of it – the palm of someone’s hand fits nicely resting there.   I don’t even know what kind of wood it is.  And I have to give Buddy all the credit for spotting it – just when I thinking he was pretty “out of it” that day he up and points to it……..love that guy. 

Someone sent me this article entitled “Midwives for the Dying” and I found it fascinating.  The women who sent it to me is a relative of the BFF.   Probably 5 years ago I remember her talking about this and saying there was a need for it and I didn’t pay too much attention – Now I am.  

The newest walking stick

I can’t get the whole thing in one shot – lol’ing

I Am Exhausted

Sun setting

I have no idea what would do this to a rock

This picture does not do this beautiful twisted piece of tree justice

How Old?

I have never explored this section of the woods

The local drinking hole

Wonderfully twisted

Fungi

Am I the only one who sees something

Frozen in time

A fungi among I

Pod?

It was good to see the water running – this past summer this pond was bone dry

 

Attitude

They say attitude is half the battle. 

I need an attitude adjustment.

Headache again……………………..

 

Oatmeal

Yup woke up to live another day.  Usual position minus the coffee plus a diet coke.  I had a rough day yesterday with a headache that just wouldn’t go away.  Ended up taking a lot of drugs, putting an ice pack on my head and going to bed very early.   Slept close to 12 hours and glad to say the headache is no longer there.   YAY.

Had a great interview – if you want to call it that – more like a lunch date with an acquaintance on Thursday.  I had already made up my mind about a couple of things prior to the meeting and great minds think alike Mr. Sweetwater as I told her I just had my “public me” phone shut off on Monday and here it is Thursday with a job offer I just can’t refuse but I really need more time to myself – time to regroup – time to regenerate – time to relax.  She agreed and I told her I would call her soon with a start date which I think will be about a month or so away.  Plus I have a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday and I want to run it by him – illegal drugs and all.  This will also leave me with time to figure out what I will do about the illegal drugs in my system.   I am not too worried about it as much as I was the other day – life is too short – I got bigger things I can worry about.

I love oatmeal – did I tell you that?  I love old black & white movies.  Nothing like a Sunday eating oatmeal and watching an old black & white movie.  I know – I know – sounds darn right pathetic but that is what I what I am doing.  I think I would be happy just living out the rest of my life eating oatmeal and watching old black & white movies.

Was considering a beach walk today but low tide is late this afternoon and close to sunset – another day.  Happy Sunday blog world.  Whatever you may be doing – may it bring you happiness – may it be something you want to do and not something you have to do.

Stylin’

I do it with style. My nails match my wrist braces.

 

Spoke Too Soon…………..

3:00 A.M. and wide awake – I guess I spoke too soon.  Then again I feel asleep last night way too early and when I awoke not to long ago I just had too much on my mind to go back to sleep.  Today is my day with Buddy so I think I am not going to force the sleep issue and just go with the flow.  The only thing I would like is if the rest of the world was open 24 hours a day so just maybe I could get something accomplished this early in the morning.

This coffee taste unbelievably delicious.

So – what my mind is going crazy thinking about is a call I received from the Chief yesterday – with a job offer.  Though ultimately the job would still be with the Chief – I wouldn’t be reporting to him as I have in the past and the job is considered part-time at 20 hours a week.  I wouldn’t even be located in the same building as him.  He said it is pretty flexible and he thinks I would be great at it.  I have an informal interview off site tomorrow with the woman I would be reporting to.  I know her – I know her well from my years with the Chief and we are going to talk over some of the details.

There are several things that are weighing heavy on my mind.

I don’t think I ever mentioned this here but the Chief and SEH are friends – close friends though I firmly believe the Chief has absolutely no idea of my relationship with SEH.  They both know about my health – SEH more than the Chief.  I know that SEH is concerned about how long I will be able to survive without an income and both also know that the stress and demand that was put on me by my other job with the Chief was taking its toll on my mind and body.  I believe that by offering me this job – knowing it is half the time or less, than I worked before – knowing it is less stressful and very flexible – that is it their way of taking care of me.  Their way of showing me their friendship – their support.  Makes me wonder if they have put their heads together somehow and well – came up with this.

I wasn’t planning on even starting to look for a job this soon and I wasn’t too concerned about how long I could go without a salary.  Damn I don’t even know how long I will be around.  The salary is way more than I would have expected – again – I think their way of taking care of me.  I also know this might be SEH’s way of keeping me around – so to speak.  As I have said in a previous post this is the first time in a long time I can go and / or do anything I want – even move – possibly out of state.  At the end of the conversation the Chief says “Hey, no harm in meeting with her and if you like what she says we go through the motions, get a drug test and we work up a letter of agreement.”  SAY WHAT…………drug test?!?

HOLY FUCK!  I never even thought of that.  Ten years ago – over ten years ago – when I first started working for the Chief drug testing wasn’t mandatory.  There is no way I would pass a drug test today!  Though the doctor would provide me with a letter for what drugs are prescribed there is no way I can account for the ones that aren’t.  OH FUCK.

So – what do I do?  I will have the meeting tomorrow with this person – I will listen to what she has to say – but I have no idea what the fuck I will do.  DRUG TEST………………..HOLY FUCK……………….did I say that already.

One of the great things about this is – even though I planned on continuing my work with Buddy – it was something that was started when I was working for the Chief.  He is big on volunteering – on his dime – he encouraged all his employees to volunteer somehow – be it working with kids in schools, on a Big Brother / Big Sister type thing or in my case with Buddy.

Oh geez – what to do – what to do.

My Heart is Light

For the third night in a row I have slept for over 10 hours – close to 11 – solidly.  I believe sleep is a form of healing vapors to the soul.  When we sleep well our body, mind and spirit are rejuvenating – healing itself – taking care of itself.  My body must be needing it.  But my dreams have been messed up – weird – yet I am having a hard time remembering them.  Some days my energy is terrific and I get a lot accomplished and some days my body is having none of it and wants nothing more than to hold up on the couch.  I am learning to listen to my body.

Yesterday was down right tropical around here with temperatures in the 50’s and I took advantage of it by running some errands.  I also took advantage of those outrageous after Christmas sales and picked up some things to keep me busy (as if I am not busy enough) like a couple of dirt cheap 75% off trays that I either plan on painting or maybe a form of mosaic or photo montage type thing on.  Today we are back to our wintry chill with a high of 18 degrees.  I think I will just hang out in my apartment oasis today and continue with the memory boxes.  And it really is becoming my oasis – I have been making it that for some time and it’s coming together nicely.  The spare room still needs a lot of work but I am slowly but surely getting there.  I wanted to drive to the ocean today at low tide to troll the shores for some great finds which is one of my favorite things to do but I just couldn’t get my act together soon enough this morning and low tide came and went without me.  Roaming the shores in the dead of winter is awesome because there aren’t too many people who are willing to brave the cold therefore you can find some pretty awesome things like sea glass and driftwood in odd shapes along with those ever-present stones so smooth from years of being turned in the ocean (they are great for painting.)

A light-hearted post today for that is how I am feeling.  Only the powers that be know how I will be feeling tomorrow.